Mindful...

Mindful...

Today my goal is to stay present. Have you ever tried this? The mind always wants to think about what needs to be done next or what we already did. To focus on the here and now is difficult for most. What makes me fixed on staying present is the chaos around me. Many of my loved ones are experiencing very difficult situations, which encourages me to sit still in gratitude for what I have and am thankful for.

I took a luxurious walk this morning along the Inter-coastal and Atlantic ocean. The view was spectacular. I saw the sun peak out over the purple/orange backdrop on the ocean shoreline. A new day is about to begin. My legs are strong and my energy abound. My fur-child Sage moves with me as if we are one. Her tail swishes side to side – so joyful to be with me out on a walk. She lives in the now.

A person learns they have an illness, let’s say it is a rare disease and they will no longer be able to see. I would imagine for the time left they would be looking at everything with attention knowing soon there would be a sea of darkness. I wonder why not see today as if it were my last view. Or live each day as my last. What would I do different? Who would I want to spend time with? What would I say that had not been said?

Today I practice mindfulness. The dictionary defines mindfulness as calm awareness of one's body functions, feelings, content of consciousness, or consciousness itself. I am totally conscious of my fingers dancing over the keys putting words together. I am told mindfulness is the path to liberation and enlightenment. It is the intense purpose of staying in the now. I get this. For the past two years I had been consumed with paying off my $85,000 student loan. Yes, you read the numbers correctly. My goal was to become debt free.

During this quest it was difficult to remain in the present because I was living for the future of no debt. I had a special birthday this year: 9-09-09. What made it special beyond the cool numbers? I decided two years ago to pay off all my debt including my student loan with Miss Sallie on September 9, 2009. I kept my nose to the grind for two years and not waiver one iota to purchase anything that was not of absolute necessity. I learned to live with less and appreciate the free gifts around me daily.

I accomplished my goal and on Wednesday, September 9, 2009 I wrote my last check to Sallie and enthusiastically dropped it in the mail box on my way to work. I thought I would hear a chorus of angels burst into song. I did not. But what I did experience was a keen awareness of peace and liberation. I no longer am a slave to owing.

So, today I am present. I refuse to think about what needs to be done next or what I already did. I am present with each breath in and out. I am present to the sounds of birds singing and the whispers of the wind as it folds through the palm trees out my window. I am here and now. What makes me fixed on staying present is the chaos around me. Loved ones are at personal crossroads – forced to face difficult situations, which encourages me to sit still in gratitude for what I have and am thankful for.

Photo taken by: Dr. Lisa Ortigara Crego

A Runaway Train

It rained all day today. I started a walk with Sage early this morning and half way noted the sky turned dark and the wind came up out of nowhere. I debated whether to keep going or turn around and head home. I decided to push forward. Not good. After what seemed like a few minutes the heavens opened and the rains gushed. Sage was not happy as her tail pressed between her legs and her ears slicked completely back.

We abruptly turned around in a walk/run pace and headed home. We were soaked. After peeling off my wet clothes and slipping into something dry I began to work on my manuscript on compulsive eating. It continued to rain the entire day and I sat in this very spot painfully making revisions and cutting out paragraphs that did not fit.

Writing about a subject so close to my heart reminds me of days struggling with weight and food. Sometimes I get accused of simplifying the ability to release the obsession to food. It was not an easy decision to make. I cried, bargained, and relapsed for decades before accepting I have an eating disorder. It has been years since I ate simple carbohydrates. I think about chocolate, doughnuts, and thick loaves of Italian bread from time to time, but I know eating them would only pull me back into out of control eating and low grade depression. It is not worth it.

As I wrote and revised I thought about many patients who relapsed and began compulsively eating after a few months of relief. Although each has their own story, they often resemble each other. Often I am asked how do you stop a binge? It is as difficult to redirect thinking as it is to stop a train when it is going full speed. It slowly grinds to a halt.

A binge must be stopped before it starts or it will run full speed out of control until the stomach is full beyond "normal" capacity and shame and remorse for the behavior begins to set in. My questions are: What was going on before the binge? Were you hungry? Did you miss a meal? What did you last eat? Were you tired or possibly irritable and angry? Are you overwhelmed about something? Answers to these questions teach awareness and triggers to binge.

Writing and revising my manuscript reminds me of times when I experienced the questions above. I eat meals no later than 5 hours apart. I prefer four. I make sure I get at least seven hours of sleep and exercise daily to release stress. My food is whole food never simple carbohydrates and always balanced with nutritious foods to keep my body running smooth and ward off cravings.

A patient who relapsed and began compulsively eating was certain she did everything to stay on her healthy eating course. We went through each question and discovered she skipped dinner the day before because she was too tired. The next day she felt she could eat more than her usual meal to make up for the meal she missed the day before. She felt full and fat after eating and proceeded with thoughts of imagined weight gain. Old familiar self-talk ensued. She felt angry, out of control, and foolish for eating more than she needed. This led to out of control eating.

Another patient forgot to take her lunch to work and decided to wing it with fast-food. She intended to take the bun off her sandwich and order a side salad skipping fries. The instructions to the cashier were misunderstood. By the time she got back to the office to eat her food she realized she had the wrong meal. She was very hungry as it was six hours since she ate. She wolfed the food down without thinking: similar to a runaway train.

What is the moral of this story? You must be prepared with each meal never depending on someone else to get it right. I take my meals with me unless I know exactly what I am eating and it fits my food program. This is the part where some get annoyed and call this rigid. I call it lifesaving. I see it as vigilant. I spent too many years suffering with obesity and obsessive eating which is now replaced with peace and tranquility, not to mention normal weight.

The rain is starting to subside and the sounds of birds singing is filling the once steady pound of water against the windows. The sun is peaking out between a few lingering clouds. Maybe Sage is ready to go out and run around in the yard as she easily forgets her fear of storms.

Photos by Dr. Lisa Ortigara Crego

A Summer Afternoon Swim...

A lazy Sunday afternoon swim with thunder rolling in the distance is my idea of a perfect setting. The sun is still shinning, yet dark luminous clouds hang over simultaneously. I marvel at how I swam laps with such ease, yet with urgency knowing a storm is not too far off. I am reminded of last year when I gasped for breath with only 5 laps of swimming.

I never was much of a swimmer. As a child, raised on the beach every summer in Wautoma Wisconsin, enjoying boating, skiing, rowing and catching frogs in the pond, you would think I would be “naturally” a strong swimmer. I even lived with my sister Debbie half our childhood summers smack on the beach in our little tent. Sometimes at night we would take a little night swim, but I never strayed out too far.

And as if living on the beach was not enough to make a swimmer out of me, my grandmother graduated with a degree in physical education and taught swimming as well as competed on swim teams. Go figure! Ma (how we addressed her) even lived in the main house near our cottage on the beach. You would think I would somehow absorb her talent and strength as a swimmer. Nope.

So, the question that begs to be asked is why I had such fear of swimming. I have no idea. I have vivid memories of being stuffed in an orange life jacket and feeling confined. I was not comfortable wearing it nor was I comfortable without it. My siblings joyfully swam out to the raft to play "King of the Raft." The goal was to push everyone off the raft and last person standing was king...or should I say queen. My memory of attempting to swim to the raft screamed of fear. I recall paddling and paddling trying to reach the raft engulfed by dark cold water only to approach the huge barrels holding up the raft and peering at the emptiness underneath it. No...I did not want to be queen of the raft. I wanted to be safe on shore eating something sweet and gooey. I had neither energy nor desire to join my siblings.

I was a skinny scrawny kid, always fatigued. I had zero energy. I preferred junk food over real food. I was anemic and was on daily iron drops. Of course I did not stay skinny long. When I hit my teen years I grew quite voluptuous…and then chunky…and then darn right obese. These were the starting years of my on and off dieting, binging, and fluctuating up and down in weight. I have countless pictures wearing an oversized t-shirt covering my shorts. I never wore a swim suit during my adolescence because I was ashamed of my body.

Now here I am 40 years later at my pool wearing my suit and very comfortable in my own body, no longer binging, no longer with weight up or down. It just stays steadily at a nice comfortable maintained weight. I wish I knew then what I know now as I sit at the edge of my pool taking in a lovely afternoon. Well…until the loud piercing thunder shook me out of my daze and inside the house I went. The sky was quickly darkening and a storm was near at hand. Since Florida is the lightening capital of the world I think it's time to back myself inside and finish this blog.

Celebrating and Mourning Simultaneously...

Happy Birthday America! Today is the Fourth of July...a day worth remembering and reminiscing. Today is the day America decided to become independent of Great Britain. This day represents freedom to make our own rules and be responsible for our welfare.

My day began with sunny, blue skies, white puffy clouds, birds singing. A picture perfect South Florida day! A time for America to remember and celebrate what was and what is. Although a truly glorious day, somewhere someone is mourning. Someone is sick. Someone is losing someone. I think of Mom and recall several Fourth of Julys after she suffered a massive stroke (days before her 64th birthday), I was filled with sadness and questioned how the world could still be moving forward while I was suspended in gripping emotional pain.

The same holds true on this fourth day of July celebration. Even though some of us might be grappling with an emotional, physical, or spiritual loss, the 4th of July must go on. It is no doubt a time for celebration, which includes: picnics, boat outings, Barbeques, et cetera. Of course, with celebrations come foods, drinks and temptations. This is the American way! But...perhaps not everyone is so festive. Many suffer from illnesses and losses. Certainly Michael Jackson's family is mourning their loss. And in my own life I have losses and family members suffering from illnesses and aging.

I can't help but wonder what role food plays in illnesses, losses, and death. Take Michael Jackson for instance. He was a 50 year old icon, weighing in at 112 pounds at the time of his death. It is my understanding he was somewhere between 5-8 and 5-10 in height. In my line of work (eating disorders, body image dysmorphia, and mood disorders) this would be a huge red flag. Did he suffer from a low self body image? It seems evident by his history of plastic surgery and total change in body appearance he did. Did he suffer from addictions to prescription drugs? With all the surgeries and other medical issues he had he was in chronic pain and may have become addicted to prescription medications. I have witnessed in my practice as a certified addiction professional, addictions to medications quite common. Did he have an eating disorder tied in? Maybe. I did not hear anything regarding this; however, he definitely was not of a normal weight and did seem to have an issue with growing up. Perhaps he kept his body frame boy-like to avoid growing up.

Many female anorexics keep their body's girl-like, stop menses, and appear to harbor a flat chest to hide their femininity perhaps to be in control. My Mom did not restrict, she was the opposite. She wore her weight and then some. She ate large portions of high fat, salty foods. Perhaps she grew her body rather than restricted to accomplish the same goal of hiding her feminine side. As pointed out with Michael Jackson, men are not free from eating disorders and/or body image dysmorphia. My uncle, a rather large man, died from cancer. He ate heavy meals, did not exercise, wore extra weight, and may not have been spiritually connected. He died young...late fifties. I believe unprocessed foods play a huge role in healthy minds and healthy bodies. All of my self-hypnosis CDs address the importance of clean eating, exercise, and spiritual recovery.

And so here we are on this glorious day. The Florida sun tucked away for the evening as festivities of 4th of July come to a halt. I wonder, as the last bits of fireworks fall from the sky, sounds still within ear shot, how many close this day with full bellies and empty bellies both rumbling from restricting or binging. Many are alone and lonely, turning to food for comfort...or not. Eating disorders come in many guises. It does not matter if your black or white...or somewhere in between. It does not matter if you're rich or poor...or somewhere in the middle.

Look at Michael Jackson, Elvis Presley, Elizabeth Taylor, Oprah...all rich and famous, all suffered/ suffering from eating disorders and/or addictions of some type. Today, I celebrate America's Independence. I celebrate my independence. I broke away from food controlling me...and now live free. I hope those suffering and hurting today will find independence from pain and sadness...and the loss of loved ones. Life is to be celebrated. America is to be celebrated. Let's wave our flag proudly. We live in a country that offers help and hope to all.

Photos by: Dr. Lisa Ortigara Crego

Yo Yo Dieting

When I explain what is really going on with binge eating and food addiction patients often resemble the deer in the headlights look. It is like they are caught! As Oprah often says, "It is a light bulb moment!" Suddenly understanding their up and down weight loss and gain becomes clear. The yo yo dieting syndrome has an explanation...an answer. It's not their fault!


Yo yo dieting is more the norm than not. The other day I was watching a recorded Oprah show (April 30, 2009) interviewing Kirstie Alley and a second person (a non-movie star) Michael Hebranko. Both were telling their heart-felt stories of losing and gaining weight. A story I know all too well. I felt their pain and urgency. Not only do I understand their yo yo diet syndrome, the patients I work with day in and day out share a similar story. What is the answer?

As I watched, Kirstie promised with such conviction she would lose her weight again and owned the "secret" way to drop weight quickly. I sadly shook my head thinking about how many times I promised to lose the weight and that I had the quick weight loss secret too. Kirstie swore she lost 20 pounds in a few short weeks and would reach her "goal" weight come November(which I need remind you she had promised for her bikini debut back in 2007). Oprah interjected, suggesting she might be setting herself up for failure. I (alone watching this taped video) was cheering Oprah for stepping in and recognizing Kirstie's "diet" mentality perhaps being detrimental to her success. Sadly, at no time did Oprah or Kirstie acknowledge abstinence from their drug(s): sugar, flour, and wheat. It reminds me of the addict who promises they will never take another hit, snort, or shoot up again, but without admission to the addictive components, rather only looking from a "will power" frame of mind. I was hearing diet and addiction mentality.

Michael Hebranko was different than Kirstie in that he was not a movie star bearing the glitz and twinkle. He reminded me of one of the first patients I saw in my early days of practice. He was wearing close to 1,000 pounds of weight like Michael. I made weekly house calls (back in the 90's when I was new in my profession) and conducted psychotherapy. He was a delight to work with. He understood sugar, flour, and wheat were drugs to him and agreed to abstain. He understood developing a spiritual connection to something greater than himself was the key. Like Michael, he dropped hundreds of pounds. When he was at a safe place weight-wise we agreed he would drive in for therapy. Instead, he began to binge. Again, like Michael, he put his weight back on. Unlike Michael my patient passed away. He was only 27 years old. Addictions are stronger and bigger than our will to stop using.

Michael, unlike Kirstie, was aware he needed to take one day at a time and practice recovery. He was no longer reaching for the "quick" fix. He was humble and focused. He seemed to have an understanding that certain foods were triggers for him, but I did not hear words of abstinence from these foods, particularly flour. He also recognized a higher power (he called God) as he kept referring to God in the interview and how thankful and grateful he was for this second opportunity to correct his weight. He released 300 pounds. Although he had several hundreds of pounds to go, he was focused on the here and now, working his program one meal at a time with progress not perfection. I think he will make it!

Although I personally never weighed more than one hundred pounds above my ideal weight, I can relate to both Kirstie Alley and Michael Hebranko. When I was in the food I promised I would stop. I too vowed to lose the weight and never binge again. I meant it! After I would drop some weight and start looking good I would fall into a binge. It was not until I realized I had to let go of the addictive foods in order to be free of the obsessions and cravings. It was not a question of will power but rather of letting go of an addiction to specific foods. As simple as it sounds it worked. My weight corrected and I am free of cravings. Many patients I work with also are free from cravings and have returned to their normal weight. I wish I could say they all followed my path, but truth be told, many are on the same ride as Kirstie Alley and Michael Hebranko, gaining weight they lost.

Statistics show about 5% of people keep off the weight they have lost for more than a year. And, those that have the weight off for more than 5 years have a better chance of staying thin. Thank you God I fall into this category! I believe Kirstie is setting herself up for failure vowing once again to wear a bikini in November and rushing to lose her weight. This is diet mentality. I did not hear the same diet talk from Michael. I heard a clear understanding it was a process that would take time. He seemed to understand eating balanced meals and taking one day at a time was the ticket to his recovery. Although I did not hear specific talk about spiritual recovery, Michael echoed some thoughts regarding God. Kirstie did not mention any spiritual understanding. Perhaps this could be part of her missing link. It is not about the food, nor is it about the weight. It is about having an addiction to food. It is about turning to a physical, emotional, and spiritual recovery.

So, as I finished watching Oprah’s interview with two very familiar stories it allowed me to reflect where I had been and where I am today. Their story is my story; however, I am on the flip side of it and live life free of weight, worry, and diet mentality. No more deer in the headlights. The answer is eating free of sugar, flour, and wheat and turning it over to a power greater than our own. This power can be whatever is fitting for each person. It could be God, energy, the sun, et cetera...



Photos taken by: Dr. Lisa Ortigara Crego

Memories of Time Passed....

I was up early this morning walking along the beach and feeling so alive and connected to myself and beyond. I have walked this very beach over and over for the past 40-something years and it always tugs at my heart. I have so many memories of where I was and where I am.

Last night my youngest son and I watched old videos we recorded 11 years ago. My have we changed! He was so little with a sweet young voice. My hair was long, blond and flowing. I remember back then thinking how fat I was and yet, looking at the video I was not.

The lesson is to be present rather than thinking about where I was or where I want to be...how about just sitting with the now. Sometimes, even today, I think I am fat or ugly, or some other negative kind of thinking. It would be sad to look at a video 11 years from now and think I looked pretty darn good then...but now do not. On and on that negative cycle of thinking could go. I am okay right now in this very moment. I have all I need and I am able to bask in it.

At this moment, writing this blog, I am looking out at the dock that I painted red wood with turquoise benches. Mom would like the "art deco" look if she were here. It is such a beautiful view. A window she looked out many times herself. The same window Ma (my grandmother) looked out. Both women obese and both women suffered from strokes. I wonder what their dreams were as they stared off onto the blue sparkly waters. Did they have regrets of yesterday or hopes and dreams for tomorrow?





Last night, watching the videos there was one with Mom after her stroke. We (all my siblings) were gathered around her talking and laughing and exchanging quibbles of nothing. It was beautiful to see us all congregated around her. I think about her stroke and how maybe it did not have to be. She was significantly over weight, did not exercise, and ate high fat foods. The "what ifs" start to sprout as I ponder. Would she still be here if she had eaten free of sugar, flour, wheat, and high fat foods? Do I go there in my thoughts? Perhaps not. I need to stay present.


My lesson this morning, while walking the beach I had traveled on hundreds of mornings when life was younger and simpler ( or was it?), was to stay in the now. To be where I am. And where I am, is sitting looking out the window seeing a boat or two passing by, big egrets sauntering by, pelicans diving for a treat... and me experiencing the pure joy of being in paradise.


One of the videos we watched was of a 4Th of July celebration in 2001. We were gathered with dear friends sharing a meal and watched the fire works. Benjamin (my son) had the camera on me and was commenting on how I was breaking my "diet." And I responded so defensively on how it was all worked in my plan. I was still in the diet defensive mode. I did not learn yet that life would be simpler, more spiritual, and the diet clenched attitude would be released. I did not know I would find an answer to my own obesity, binge eating, and food addiction.


As our video movie night continued to unfold there also was footage of our oldest son wearing a great deal of weight. He was darn right obese. Watching me eat clean and healthy for years has rubbed off on him. He is now lean and healthy and moving in a positive direction. Videos can teach us a great deal. I learned to live now but take the nuggets of treasures from what I learned watching me in the past.

I am blessed and fortunate right now. Not last year...and not tomorrow...right now. My body is healthy, thin, and I can walk for very long distances...just as I did 11 years ago...and 11 years before that. The difference is today I don't binge and I don't harbor "crazy" diet talks. The difference is I am free of sugar, flour, and wheat and my weight is "normal" and my thoughts are clear.

Life today is good. Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow is not here yet. My body is thin and strong. I don't binge. Food cravings are nonexistent. This morning I was up early walking the very beach I had wishes, hopes, and dreams when I was barely 12 years of age. Now, 40 years later I still have wishes, hopes, and dreams but they are not about my body, my weight, my newest diet, or latest binge. I dream of living more in the present and experiencing this beach, this dock, this paradise that I love so.

Photos taken by: Dr. Lisa Ortigara Crego

Eating Disorders and Certified Eating Disorder Professionals

Today is one of those glorious Sunday afternoons when the sun is out and the birds are chirping. It is one of those days where the world feels right and excitement, for no apparent reason, looms above. And yet, somewhere out there someone is suffering alone from an eating disorder. Someone is wondering when the binge will end and the weight will be released. That someone used to be me. It is a lonely, scary place to be.

Today I was reading an e-mail from The International Association of Eating Disorder Professionals (also known as iaedp) and learned something I was not aware of. To date, iaedp is the only organization in the world that certifies professional competency to treat eating disorders through its Certified Eating Disorder Specialist (CEDS) and Certified Eating Disorder Specialist-Nutritionist (CEDS-N) certifications (Cumella, 2009). There currently are only 104 CEDS or CEDS-N professionals with active certifications. Interestingly, I am one of the 104 certified eating disorder specialists, and yet there are 923,000 healthcare providers who can offer counseling services in the United States! How could this be? Only 104, or 0.01%, have a CEDS or CEDS-N!

More interesting, to date, there are 642 healthcare providers in the US and Canada who claim to specialize in eating disorder treatment; however, only 104, or 16%, have evidence of their competency to do so through a recognized certification program, the CEDS or CEDS-N (Cumella, 2009). This baffles my mind! Eating disorders are chronic, progressive, and fatal. We need more certified experts working with patients with such a deadly disease.

I read a few years ago that by the year 2015 if preventative measures are not in place we could see 75% of the population overweight or obese. This is a huge number! Think about it, 75 people out of 100 will be wearing extra weight. What will this do to healthcare? What is the answer? I believe we need to move closer to "real" food and further from "processed" foods. Sugar, flour, and wheat, along with high fatty foods seem to be the culprit, especially for us who suffer from eating disorders. And there are plenty of us!

Today, as a provider certified to treat eating disorders, I carry a qualification that few have achieved. It seems unthinkable there are 923,000 healthcare providers who can offer counseling services in the United States, and yet there are only 104, or 0.01%, certified as eating disorder specialists! I think what makes me most uncomfortable is learning healthcare providers are claiming to specialize in eating disorder treatment and yet few have the education, certification and/or authority to do so. The International Association of Eating Disorder Professionals is recognized for certification programs that train and prepare practitioners to deal with a disorder that is growing with each passing minute. Perhaps if the word gets out more and more will sign up to join the certified eating disorder specialists to help those suffering from eating disorders reach a place of recovery.

Although there are many hurdles the eating disorder professional must jump through in order to stay abreast to the ever-changing field of eating disorders, it is well worth the efforts. Every day I am reaching out and helping someone who is suffering as I had. Every day I know someone is dying from this disease. Every day I know I can reach out my hand to another and lift them out of their pain. Nobody has to suffer from this disease. There are answers and help that can take you to recovery. I know...I live in recovery every day.

It is no secret there are millions suffering from eating disorders. As I sit here comfortable in my own recovery on this beautiful Sunday late afternoon I wonder how many out there are feeling alone, binging, purging, or restricting today. I know I will be able to go to sleep tonight with no shame or regrets for having eaten foods that are causing me to binge, crave, or purge. Thank God I never purged with food, but I certainly did my share with over exercising and an occasional bout with laxatives. Just writing the words down makes me wiggle with discomfort. It is hard to believe a decade and a half ago I was really suffering and yet I looked so good on the outside. I was working a program for the most part...but then the disease would rear its ugly head with no warning. Tonight, I will be able to close my eyes and drift off to sleep knowing I am in a good place spiritually, physically, and emotionally.

References:

US Department of Labor, Bureau of Labor Statistics. Retrieved May 3, 2009 from http://www.bls.gov/oco/cg/cgs035.htm#emply

Academy for Eating Disorders. Retrieved May 3, 2009 from http://www.aedweb.org/public/results.cfm

Cumella, E. J. (2009). News for Eating Disorders Professionals. International Association of Eating Disorder Professionals. Retrieved on May 13 from: http://www.iaedp.com/

Photos taken by: Dr. Lisa Ortigara Crego

Chicago Bound...and Back....

I spent the past few days in Chicago. Today is my Dad's 83rd birthday and he continues to work his empire. I am amazed at his strength, motivation, and continuous vision.

Sitting on the plane with my handsome 20 year old son, headed for Chicago in honor of my father’s 83rd birthday, I found myself sandwiched between my son and an adorable, but severely overweight college girl. I was her...once upon a time. As I was settling into my seat, arranging my carry-on with ease, I realized how difficult it was back in the days when my weight was peaked out at 234 pounds. I am flying Spirit airlines, which is known for great economical prices, but also very small seats!

I realized, snug in my seat, how far my life has come. There was a time I would have purchased muffins, candy bars, chips, and coffee before even boarding the plane just to have my “stash” of goodies for the ride. Today, I still need my stash of food, but the nutrients are quite different. I am toting homemade apple-raspberry muffins and a decaffeinated coffee. A far cry from where I had been not so long ago.

I feel snug no longer worried about my last binge, future diet, or future binge. I have my routine in place, always vigilant regarding what is my food, and what is not: never taking chances. While waiting at the airport terminal, I observed so many scurrying to get doughnuts, coffee, muffins (not my “natural” sugar-free muffins). I could see the familiar urgency and frenzy written over their faces and body language. I wondered if they were plotting the upcoming diet, if the guilt and shame set in, or if they were at the euphoric state we addicts reach on the first bite of gooey chocolate laden treat.

As the plane began descending, I embraced the thought of 3 days in Chicago with my family of origin. There will be parties and dinners to attend, and I will partake in all of the festivities, but the difference will be no flour, sugar, or wheat, for me. I will walk in the morning, strolling near lake Michigan observing the neighborhood mansions for my a.m. routine exercise. I will ring in Dad’s 83rd birthday conscious and present, rather than numbed out on sugar, flour, and wheat. This trip was a friendly reminder of where I have been and where I am, and where I am headed. Life is delicious.

Sitting at the airport on my return to Ft. Lauderdale, Florida I am snug and full of joy. My trip was very good. I enjoyed family and what it represents. I did not dream about foods I was not eating, or wishing to eat, or feeling guilty for having eaten them. I am with my fresh salad, topped with chunks of chicken and lemon knowing another day is closing clean and healthy. I have learned to be prepared for my trips and work my routine. The rest is easy. My father and his siblings are all elderly, but you would not know. They are healthy, vibrant, and still working a strong and prosperous business. I have learned many of my good habits from watching them. And of course some things I have to step away from them…like eating the sweets, breads, and pastas…all a part of the Italian way.

Finding Serenity!

One of my favorite moments in life is sitting in the "Florida Room" in my Mom's home up in Wautoma,Wisconsin. Early in the morning I love to go out to the room with a mug of hot decaffeinated coffee and sit in the silence. There are always deer and exotic birds that entertain me as I sit and look out. I like to think of this room as the "meditation" room. A place where I can get quiet with my thoughts. A place where I can be in prayer. A place to self-hypnotize.

Yes, I did say self-hypnotize. I find self-hypnosis to be one of the most powerful tools every person has access to. The mind is powerful. I can close my eyes right here in South Florida as I type this piece and go to the "Florida Room" in Wautoma and see those very same deer grazing and walking through the morning dew. It was a glorious day! I felt so serene just looking out. It was that very day I meditated with the morning glory and visualized where I wanted to be years from now. I imagined earning my doctorate in psychology, teaching at a university, and bringing my work to the Internet in a way that could reach everyone. And I did all of the above! Today, I am able to create magical self-hypnosis CD's for those who can not come to my office. It is affordable and easy to do.

I had a patient ask me the other day if I thought anyone could be hypnotized. As I pondered the question for a moment I answered yes, as long as the person is not suffering from brain damage or severe mental illness. I think the big misunderstanding is that hypnosis is losing control over your mind, when in fact it is actually the opposite. Rather, hypnosis is the training of your mind. To be able to get to a relaxed state and redirect your thinking. Over my near decade and a half of conducting hypnotherapy I have seen remarkable results. The mind is an amazing thing...and it will take you wherever you want it to go with a little imagination and creativity.

Often when a patient comes to me for self-hypnosis I ask them to find a place in their mind that brings them serenity. A place that is peaceful and safe. It could be as warm and fuzzy as walking through a field of flowers, or strolling barefoot on the beach feeling the warm sand between your toes, or curled up on a couch reading a good book near the fireplace with a crackling fire warming your feet, or playing with puppies. Everyone has a place or two that brings such joy. Another place for me as a child was taking a nap on the back porch in Chicago with my dog Cuddles. I can remember the smell of the closed in porch and feel the breeze on my skin from the opened windows on a beautiful Chicago summer day. Those were magical moments.

We all have a special place that allows us to embrace pure peace and harmony. And if you can't fine one make it up! You can conjure one up from a picture in a magazine or a place you saw on television. The subconscious mind does not know the difference between real and pretend. It is for this reason you can imagine yourself thin and free of your eating disorder (or whatever concerns you have) and the mind will grab the image, even if it is not real...yet. Dream big!

I knew that magical morning in the "Florida Room" my life was going to evolve even greater than it was. I knew I was going to grow my practice beyond South Florida. Just planting the seed and believing in my work set the wheels in motion. Today, I have realized my dreams and continue to each and every day. Life is magical and promising. I feel as serene as the deer in the woods...living in the now...enjoying the moment. When my day is filled with busyness (and it often is), I close my eyes and go where ever I want my mind to take me. And of course one of my "getaways" is looking out at the wildlife from the "Florida Room" in Wautoma, Wisconsin.

Photo taken by: Dr. Lisa Ortigara Crego

Patience

Patience was never one of my strong suits. Two years ago when I was up at my sisters cottages, which have been in my family for many generations, I commented on the beauty of Great Grandma's (Baba) lilies that are sprinkled about and how they are still going even though she has long passed.


My brother-in-law over hearing my enthusiasm and gratitude over Baba's flowers, surprised me the day I was flying home with 6 plants he uprooted for me to take back to Florida. Everyone scoffed at the idea saying these lilies could never grow in Florida soil.


Ignoring the nay sayers, my husband and I got busy and planted all 6 in the ground as soon as I landed and we returned to our Florida home. And...they all died! And then a strange thing happened. A few months after their death green foliage sprouted, but nothing more. Years passed. And today, to my glee I walked by and spotted this orange flower swinging to the breeze.


What a lesson in patience! I am so glad we did not give up and dig the plants out. Releasing weight and recovering from an eating disorder works the same way. Often you want to throw in the towel and just give up, especially if your are worshipping the scale. I know I never had patience to lose weight. I was jumping on and off the scale on a daily basis. Then one day (many years ago) a very wise friend of mine suggested I trust my food plan and turn the rest over to God. Wow...that was a bit much for me. First off, I never thought of my food and weight a God thing. I always thought about it as a lack of will power on my part. But, I thought with a hundred extra pounds hanging on my body what did I have to lose? Okay...I stepped into that one: 100 pounds!!!


I learned a profound lesson. I stopped worshipping the scales and trusted a power greater than me. I put all my attention on what I was eating: weighing and measuring it. I let go of sugar, flour and wheat and turned the rest over to this power bigger and grander than little ole me. And I waited. And waited. And waited. Nothing. A little like Baba's orange lily. I was barely losing a pound every few weeks. I decided to let go of the daily ritual and worship of weighing my body and instead turned to once a month and trusted my plan would work. Some months I dropped a pound. Some months nothing. Other months I got a hand full of pounds off. But I stuck to leaving the scale to the power greater than me. Slowly and steadily my body changed, my spirituality strengthened, and my confidence soared. I like to think of it like healing. My body, mind, and spirit were healing.

My little flower could not have come at a better time. Today, 11 years ago, April 11, 1998, my Mom had a massive stroke at 4:00 a.m. I got the call from my Dad and by 8:00 a.m. I was in the car headed to Madeira Beach. We were suppose to have a lovely Easter Sunday together; all the preparations were waiting in the kitchen, even the little basket for Benjamin who was then 8 years of age. Life changed in that moment I received the call. I believe my Mom would be here today if she had understood eating disorders and obesity. My mission is to carry the news to those living and suffering from eating disorders...


So, here I am today reflecting on patience. I attach my weight loss success and my peace with my addictive foods to patience. Just like my little orange flower, blowing in the wind, I have sprouted my own pedals. I too needed a little soil, watering, sun, and love. I am grateful to have a piece of Wautoma, Wisconsin (Baba) in my back yard. It was worth the wait just as letting go of 100 pounds was worth the years it took. Today, I am at a healthy normal weight...never worried about what to wear or what to eat, just sticking to weighing and measuring my food, not eating sugar, flour, or wheat, and turning everything over to a power greather than me. Life is good.

Photos by: Dr. Lisa Ortigara Crego

Sitting on the Dock: Pelican and Me

I am sitting on the dock with a mug of tea watching this very pelican and wondering if he(she?) was thinking about anything in particular. He looked so comfortable, like he didn't have a care in the world. As for me, I was close to comfortable, sitting with my hot tea on the very same dock I have sat on a million times for the past 40 years. Tons of memories flooded in. Like the time when I was on the edge of becoming a teenager and I helped my grand parents move into this very beach house.

I remember the first time my feet touched Florida soil and I knew I was home. I had no doubt this was where I belonged. It took many visits until I actually made the move and left my entire family in Chicago, as I was Florida bound. I was in my late 20's. Back in my formative years, I sat on this very dock in my bikini trying to tan and feeling fat. I was 115 pounds! I was already obsessed with sugary foods and dieting. I was already sneaking into my grandmothers chocolate coconut patties, mango marmalade, and whatever old candy bars I could find in the fridge that my grandfather had. I remember eating a candy that was on its way to turning into rubber. This did not matter...it was chocolate and it was sweet...and it made me "feel" better when I ate it.

I had no idea I was entering into binge eating disorder, an eating disorder that is still up for discussion in the DSM-IV-TR (the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 4th ed.). I also did not know I had food addiction, which is why when I put the sugar and chocolate into my mouth I instantly felt better; at least for a moment. The question that often arises from my patients is whether food addiction and binge eating are the same thing? I too asked the very question over and over.

What is food addiction? Food addiction involves engaging repeatedly in episodes of binge eating regardless of adverse consequences, while in aggressive pursuit of a mood change. Hmmm...sounds to me like they are intertwined to some degree. What is this aggressive eating? Well, it is the compulsion, an irresistible impulse, to eat a specific food(s), especially in an irrational state or contrary to one's will. The urge is about ingesting this food no matter what.

What is binge eating? Binge eating is eating a large amount of food in a small period of time regardless of the consequences. In my experience as a certified eating disorder specialist and as a recovering food addict, binge eating and food addiction go hand in hand.The Compulsion is always present in the disease of addiction, whether it is cocaine, vodka, or a chocolate bar. My research has led me to know the food addict has a metabolic, biochemical imbalance, which results in the characteristic symptoms of addiction. The foodaholic is obsessed with food (usually sugary, high fat, starchy foods) ingesting large quantities of these foods to destructive and/or negative consequences physically, emotionally, mentally, and relationally.

Given the definition of binge eating and food addiction, it is apparent they are intertwined in most cases. Could a person binge eat and not be a food addict? There are many eating disorder specialists that would agree one can be a binge eater without having a food addiction; however, an acctive food addict always binge eats. I am a food addict and I binged. Yes, binged...past tense. I am still a food addict but I choose to live life in recovery rather than in the disease. There is a price for my sanity: not eating sugar, flour, and wheat. It is a small price, given I have no cravings or irresistible urge to eat sugar, flour, and wheat. It is a small price to pay when my body is a "normal" weight and I am not going on and off of diets? It is a small price to pay when the insanity and chatter in my mind is completely silent, peaceful, and full of serenity.

So, as I am sitting on the dock, watching this pelican while sipping on my mug of tea, I think I figured out what my new feathery friend is thinking about. He has been watching the water intensely and as soon as he saw the little fish in plain view he made a beeline towards it and scarfed it up. He was waiting for food...but not the way I used to sit on this dock thinking about food 40 years ago. I was thinking about sneaking into the fridge and the pantry to steal the foods and then figure out where to hide it so I could eat it fast and furiously...and alone. My new buddy (the pelican) was looking for food as fuel...nothing more...nothing less. He was eating for survival. So...I sit here, comfortable and at peace for I truly have not a care in the world. Life is good!

Photo taken by Dr. Lisa Ortigara Crego

Addicted to a Twinky?

I was reading an interesting article tonight on emerging trends in addiction treatment (Price, 2009) in the Monitor on Psychology. What I found interesting was the emphasis on new treatments for illicit drugs like marijuana and cocaine and licit drugs such as Xanax, Vicodin, and Oxycontin. Of course these addictions and some of the new treatments are not new to me as an addiction professional; however, what is interesting is the attention abuse of these drugs receives.

What about those suffering from addictions to food? The response to the triggers is almost identical. Whether the addiction is cocaine or a twinky, there is a loss of control, physiological tolerance, and psychological dependence occurring when the specific stimulus is ingested (or snorted or mainlined) resulting in negative consequences in basic life functions. These negative consequences include, relationships with: family, social situations, intimate relationships, spiritual or God, the law, health, and work life.

This sounds so dramatic when you think in light of a twinky! Could a person do something drastic if they have an addiction to sugar, flour, and wheat? I did! I remember some really foolish things I did when I was into my trigger foods. I remember one time driving over to the west coast of Florida in my 8 cylinder, 5 speed Mustang convertible with the top down, wind blowing through my hair...my 75 pound dog and then young son accompanying me, while eating a taco salad, shifting, and driving on a major highway weaving in and out of traffic. My reckless behavior certainly could have had severe consequences. I was using my hands to eat and my knees to steer the wheel, down shifting when needed, letting go of the wheel with one of my hands. This was definitely loss of control and possible disaster, just to get my foods in.

In my situation, phsyiological tolerance was evident. There was a time I was eating enough food to feed an army of people in one sitting. I ate large volumes in a small period of time not caring about the consequences...until I finished...and then the shame and bargaining set in. I never thought about how damaging this large volume of food might be on my health...but I did think about my weight and the fear of gaining until I would "fix" the thought with the next "diet" I was going to go on. It was a vicious cycle much like the drug addict experiences.

As for the psychological dependence, I feared life without these foods in it. I could not imagine never eating a chocolate bar again, or a soft piece of bread, or a Ritz cracker. These foods were my friends, my buddies, my life. The sadness and fear that overcame me was frightening and unthinkable. I did not want to go out socially. I would much rather be home with my stash of food and the television. The food took the place of relationships. As for God or a spiritual recovery, the path was blocked. How could I let goodness in when I was feeling so awful about myself. I was filled with shame and a low self worth I can barely believe was the me I know today.

Today, as I read the article on the new emerging trends in addiction treatment, and though happy to learn of new treatments on the horizon, I am saddened the food addict is struggling alone and most often not recognized or acknowledged. Treatments often neglect the addictive piece associated with binge eating disorder and compulsive eating. When patients come to me for the first time I see such sadness and fear in their eyes. By the time they leave they have hope to hold on to. They learn they are not alone and although they may suffer from this disease and that it is a chemical imbalance, it is not their fault. What they hear is so foreign yet validating. Perhaps one day soon I will pick up the Monitor on Psychology and read about the new treatment for food addiction!

Photo taken by: Dr. Lisa Ortigara Crego

Lenten Season and Abstinence

When I think of tulips the first thought that pops into my head is Easter and spring time. The second thought is Lent. Ash Wednesday (yesterday) was the start of the Lenten season. Wikipedia (the free encyclopedia on-line!) defines Lent (in some Christian denominations) as the forty-day-long liturgical season of fasting and prayer before Easter. I don't know about the fasting part, as I am not nice when I am deprived of "my" food: Ask my family!!!

When I think of the meaning of Lent I can't help but slip into my many memories of vowing to God I will never eat chocolate, sugar, and flour again. I would sit in the pew, teeth clenched, promising I will never ever binge on sugary, chocolaty foods. I promise! Only to fall a few short days into my penance.

Well, yesterday as I looked around the church, sitting comfy in my pew, I let my mind wander (while Father Tom was explaining the meaning of Lent...about how this is the season of preparation for the believer—through prayer, penitence, alms-giving, and self-denial...for the next 6 weeks until Easter) and began to scan the room assessing what each person might be struggling with. Perhaps some were giving up alcohol, or maybe drugs, sex...or some behavior or thought they were agonizing over. I recall when I would give up this, that...or the other...and make it for just a few days before succumbing to my food addiction.

As far back as a small child I was giving up candy for Lent. And even then I could not string but a few days together before diving into some gooey treat. I remember Mom catching me with a huge bag of candies I had bought from The Penny's Store only a few days after giving up sweets as part of my penance. Mom was furious and put the bag in the third drawer of the dresser in her bedroom. The very same bedroom and dresser I found the cough medicine with a terrifying picture of a scull on the back side reading: Poison! Although the picture was frightening, as I was barely 5 years of age, it did not stop me from guzzling down a good portion of the bottle. I was attracted to the sugary cherry taste...and ended up in the hospital to get my stomach pumped.

Okay, I digressed...back to the candy in the third drawer in my parents bedroom. I would sneak in their room every day to steal a piece (okay..several pieces!) always feeling God was watching me and I would be punished for this. But, I could not stop myself. This "thing" would come over me and I HAD TO HAVE it. I think of it like a run away train...no way is it going to stop for quite a distance.

I racked up years of unsuccessful attempts at giving up sweets for Lent until one year (about 13 years ago) I gave up chocolate, sugar, and white flour for Lent. For real! No cheating. No taking breaks on Sunday. No excuses. I abstained the entire forty days and forty nights and weekends too! After about the first three days I began to feel absolutely fabulous. I was free of cravings, low self-worth disappeared, mood swings corrected, body aches became nonexistent, not to mention weight began to release. I had dropped several sizes in the weeks of abstinence. And I was at a good weight to begin with as I had "dieted" off nearly 100 pounds.

I remember driving up to the West Coast of Florida to spend Easter with Mom and my then little boy Benjamin, feeling absolutely fantastic and "swearing" I would not break my abstinence simply because it was Easter and I could (according to the church). This particular Easter Mom had the really good stuff: Cadbury Easter Eggs (dark chocolate). How could I possibly go an Easter without a Cadbury Easter Egg? That was it! I dove in and ate the entire weekend...and went on for quite a few years before giving up the sugar, flour, and wheat for good.

It was evident to me yesterday that I have come a very long way from those many Lenten seasons of the past. As I sat in the pew wondering who had eaten what, or drugged with their last drug, or smoked their last cigarette, I smiled within and thanked God that I no longer had to sit with a clenched jaw thinking about what "substance" I had to give up; but, rather was grateful for how far I have come, able to let go of the sugar, flour, and wheat...not just for the Lenten season but for years and years. Furthermore, I have been able to help many others do the same through self-hypnosis and psychotherapy. I recognize my growth and witness their positive changes as well.

I left the church feeling strong and healthy and good about myself. As I made my way back to my car smiling at others while they were responding with smiles I thought were extra big, I pondered to myself on how kind and loving their nods were and extra big smiles they so generously gave. That is until I got into the car to examine my ashes on my forehead and realized the Deacon had "got" me again! Every year he seems to put the biggest, darkest cross of ashes on my forehead almost taking up the entire space. I guess the mark is to humble me and wake me from my stoic place.

Photo taken by: Lisa Ortigara Crego

Giving in to Food Addiction...

As I gaze at this picture I took a few months ago I remember thinking how the sun rising looks similar to the sun setting. Is it a beginning or an ending...only to be a beginning once again? Somehow, my mind managed to relate this thought to successfully giving up addictive foods only to fall back to binging on sugary and flour foods, and then to give them up again. A continuous cycle like sunrise and sunset.

A dear friend of mine, who I admire and respect, fell off her program eating free of sugar, flour and wheat after years of leading the way for many food addicts. At first, I felt heaviness in my heart: an ending. But...then I thought about myself and the times I fell off my path and succumbed to binge eating. Although they were dreadful times, I learned and grew from each experience beyond my wildest imagination.

You see, when you are eating non processed real foods and your weight is "normalized" there is this sense of glorious mastering (beating) a chronic, progressive, and fatal disease. You begin to forget where you were, only focused on where you are: your success. Today, at times I might embrace this almighty knowing because I am 100 pounds lighter and hundreds of people come to me for advice...and then the unthinkable happens: your mentor falls. It's like an ice cold splash of water smack in the face. It is a reminder that this disease does not go away, it is only masked with clean eating, while lurking in the background is the disease wanting to resurface.

But is this the end? No! It is only the beginning. Just as the sun rises and sets and then rises once again. Every fall brings an incredible surge of erecting. I would not be where I am today if I did not crash many times. Father Rookey (a wonderful priest I know) told me once, "Out of bad comes good: Always." He spoke these words with such conviction as he looked straight into my eyes.

Out of bad, comes good: Always! Hey, look at Oprah...another mentor of mine (and probably yours). She too struggles with this insidious disease. She inevitably will turn bad into good. It is destined. But for today, she is struggling with her weight and addiction to food. Food addiction knows no bias. It does not matter how rich or poor you are, educated or uneducated, if your skin is black, white, or brown. Food addiction is a chemical imbalance that often comes with weight gain and even obesity. Statistics show more than seven million Americans suffer from Binge Eating Disorder (BED), which often is perpetuated by food addiction (chemical imbalance).

I read in Oprah Magazine (March, 2009), What I Know for Sure section, "66% of American adults are either overweight or obese." In my own research I learned that if Americans don't make a positive change in their eating and exercise 75% of the population will be overweight or obese by the year 2015! This is not astounding to me as my pager rings several times a day with someone reaching out for help with their eating disorder.

Yes, my dear friend and mentor is in a dark place. You could say she is the sun going down. But tomorrow is the birth of a new day, a new beginning. She will climb out of her darkness and blind us all with her light. Out of bad comes good: Always!

Photo taken by: Lisa Ortigara Crego

Valentines Day!

As I was taking a wonderful walk this morning, listening to the birds singing…the sky as blue as blue can be…and flowers blooming, I was thinking about what Valentines represents to me today, versus years ago before I understood my food addiction. In the past, chocolate for sure was my first thought with Valentines. And, I think it still is. The difference is I don't "act" on it now. I just think back fondly...sort of like an old lover. You could say I romanced the chocolate for sure. In fact, just looking at it makes the brainwaves tingle just as a hard core drug addict would.

The chocolate in the photo represents a drug to me, yet we would not have a holiday (like Valentines) with a photo of a line of cocaine as part of the celebration…at least not legally. Yes, chocolate is an illegal substance for me. Sort of a sobering thought isn't it.? How could something so sweet (no pun intended) and innocent wreak such havoc in my life. The answer for me, is I have a chemical imbalance and when I put chocolate, sugar, flour, and wheat into my system I can't stop. Something clicks in my brain and I start to volume eat. I learned after falling many times that I can not cure this addiction, but I can live a life in recovery. Just like the cocaine addict can not have one little line for old times sake because she/he will jump right back into the illness from one little snort.

So, what does Valentines mean to me today? It means total gratitude. My body is nearly 100 pounds lighter than its highest weight. I am clear in my mind. I am loving my bike rides and walks as much as I loved the chocolates (okay...not quite...but close!). I am able to help hundreds of people through this chronic, progressive, and fatal disease. I am able to have "healthy" relationships. The price of giving up decadent chocolate for my life back is definitely worth all the preparation and vigilance I put forth every day to stay clean.

I am thankful and grateful. Happy Valentines to all of you! May your day bring you love, peace, and joy.

Tribute to Mom...

Today, February 7, 2009 marks the seventh year since my Mom's passing. Time does go on, I have learned. This morning as I was walking with my dog Sage I was thinking about my Mom and remembering all the good times and the not so good times.

My Mom was a rebel (at least that is how I saw her). She danced to her own tune. Heck, her license plate said: WET BAR. Need I say more! She raised and bred German Shepherds, showing them all over the United States. She no doubt had the most beautiful German Shepherds and won many accolades with her champions.

In fact, if Mom knew about my dog Sage, she would greatly disapprove because she is a White German Shepherd, which breaks all the rules (her rules). I like to think of my Sage as an Angel dog...sent from above, as she came to me shortly after my Mom passed. And what a story it was. Of course, I will save that story for another time.

Anyway, as I think about my Mom and her life I have come to accept why she was the way she was. My Mom lost her father to a heart attack when he was only 42 years old and she was an adolescent, which is a delicate time in life to begin with. Shortly after, she met my Dad, who lost his Mom in his young adulthood. My Mom's father was wearing belly fat (at least all the photos indicate this) and could stand to lose some pounds. My Dad's Mom died of a bowel obstruction and all her photos show her considerably overweight. My Mom had a massive stroke when she was only 62 years of age a few weeks before her 63 birthday ( on the eve of Easter) and passed away four years later at the age of 67. My Mom was 5' 4" on a good day and weighed over 300 pounds. All three early deaths (Mom, Grandpa, and Nona) maybe did not have to be.

Where am I going with all of this?

I fought weight most of my life from adolescence on. At times I was a hundred pounds over my "normal" weight. Up and down I went. I think it was my Mom's weight that prompted me to focus on my own health and weight. I believe it was her weight that shortened her life. I began battling my weight as a teenager. I believe today I have an understanding about weight and eating disorders as a result of my Mom's life and my genetic line. I also understand we don't have to take our gene pool as the written law. We can change it!

I learned for myself that I could make choices and live my life in a healthy manner, or...I could struggle forever. I decided to change my thinking. I believe in the power of the mind. I believe we can be anything we want to be. I decided to put my energy into learning about the subconscious mind and making a shift. I found hypnosis a great tool to assist with the changing of the mind and ultimately changing the relationship with food; hence the weight corrected.

My weight is now "normal" and I feel the freedom of not eating out of control. I began my journey feeling thin in my mind, to visualizing (imagining) myself thin, to "be" thin and ultimately act thin. My food choices slowly changed and sugar, flour, and wheat were eliminated. It was a process, and I definitely prescribe to progress not perfection. In time...slowly and steadily, my weight corrected, cravings disappeared, and I became quite happy with myself.

On this anniversary of my Mom's passing, I think about what if Mom would have caught the blessing I did, and she ate clean and healthy. Would she be here today? Who knows! I know I can't go back and do the what ifs...but I can live in the now and learn from what she did. My sisters (3 of them) learned this too. Although we all work our eating differently, we all three are very conscientious of eating healthy and keeping our weight down. For this, we owe to our Mom who unconsciously taught us what not to do.

Photo taken by: Lisa Ortigara Crego

Biking in January!

Today, I was biking along the shoreline of the Atlantic ocean in sunny South Florida. I felt enormous gratitude! Here I am in the most beautiful setting while others are really cold somewhere out there.

I was recently in Chicago (see photo!) and it was 26 degrees below zero! My face almost fell off! And now...here I am peddling along the beach with the temperature nearing 80 degrees. How great is that! Today I witnessed many cloaked in little tiny bathing suits knowing somewhere out there (Chicago!) there are many bundled up in their multi-layered clothing.

As I was pedaling I was wondering how I would be able to keep my exercise in tact if I lived up north. Here in Florida my goal is to exercise 6 out of 7 days a week. While in Chicago, I was not able to meet my goal. As I am peddling along the shoreline, with seagulls keeping me company, I wonder how others fare living in a cold climate. As I pondered this thought, I went back in time when I did live in Chicago. Around this exact time of the year (mid-January), after the holiday festivities came to a halt, and my body was up a good 30 pounds from eating from Halloween until my New Years resolution, I would fall into a deep depression until April when the sun resurfaced and the pale gray slated skies disappeared. Some would call it Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). Perhaps they were correct.

I don't have those "dark" days here in sunny Florida like I did when I lived up north. It was one winter back in January of 1986, standing on the platform waiting for the El train, when I decided no longer would I give in to another winter of cold. It was a cold and blistery day. I decided out loud that I had enough...I was moving to Hollywood (Florida that is!). And in May of 1986 off to Florida I went and never looked back.

Often in my past history my weight would fluctuate 100 pounds up and down. My last year living in Chicago was one of those times where I was able to control my weight to some degree. Although my eating disorder was flourishing even then, I was able to hide it (weight wise)because I was doing so much walking living in the city. Although I did not exercise regularly because of the cold, I was walking to catch a bus or a train every day several times. In addition, I was taking the stairs (at De Paul University) rather than the elevators. I was trying to eat clean for the most part and then would succumb to a binge on the weekends. Back then, I did not know about food addiction. I thought I was weak-willed and that I did not know how to "do it right." Now of course I know different.

Today, I know I am a food addict and there is no cure for food addiction, only recovery. I work my recovery every single day, whether I am here or in Chicago, or at my little beach home on the west coast. Eating sugar, flour, and wheat is not an option. Not exercising for long periods of time, is not an option. Today, as I rode along the shoreline of the Atlantic ocean I smiled on the inside and the outside all at the same time. I suppose onlookers might have thought I was a bit "touched," but I did not give it a care. I am free of food addictive behavior, my weight is "normal," and I feel spiritually balanced. All worth my efforts of vigilantly working my program.

Some say they could not eat the way I do, or exercise regularly; but, I say it beats being in Chicago freezing my you know what off and wearing an extra 100 pounds. Today life is centered and balanced for me. How about you? Is your life centered and balanced? How do you work your exercise program in the winter? Are you still pumped from your New Years Resolution? I want to hear from you!


Photo taken by: Lisa Ortigara Crego

A Sunday Walk Along the Beach...

Today was one of those incredible days. I took a long walk along the beach and was in total awe at the magnificence of the sea. With each step I was able to give thanks for all my blessings that continue to flow into my life. I remember a time when walking was so difficult for me. I remember a time when my inner thighs rubbed together causing blisters because my weight was nearly 100 pounds more than my body could handle.

This very spot on the beach brings back so many memories. I have been walking this very beach for nearly 40 years. I remember the first time when I was barely 13 years of age. This was the beginning of my preoccupation with food. I thought I just did not have "will" power. Now I realize it had nothing to do with will power and everything to do with a chemical imbalance. I did not know back then that I could not tolerate sugar, flour, and wheat. All I knew was that I had uncontrollable cravings and never seemed to fill up. I thought there was something wrong with me because I had no control over my food.

Today, as my feet felt the warmth of the soft sand and cool water as it lapped up to my ankles, I felt so free. Free from the pain that comes from actively eating addictive foods. I am in such a different frame of mind compared to those yesteryears. Today, I practice active recovery from food addiction. I eat my three balanced meals at the same time each day and a metabolic snack, and I am good. I don't need anything more or less. My body is able to operate at an optimal level and all guilt and shame is completely wiped away. My body is of a "normal" weight, and on and off dieting is no longer a part of my life. Instead, I adopt a healthy lifestyle, which includes, walking, biking, meditating, playing, praying, eating healthy "real" foods, and tyring to stay spiritually balanced.

Today was one of those incredible days that you wish you could bottle up and have it forever. I am grateful and thankful for the beach today, and to be able to walk with no strain. I am blessed with a healthy body and a healthy mind. Life is good! I am thankful...

Photo taken by: Lisa Ortigara Crego