Lenten Season and Abstinence

When I think of tulips the first thought that pops into my head is Easter and spring time. The second thought is Lent. Ash Wednesday (yesterday) was the start of the Lenten season. Wikipedia (the free encyclopedia on-line!) defines Lent (in some Christian denominations) as the forty-day-long liturgical season of fasting and prayer before Easter. I don't know about the fasting part, as I am not nice when I am deprived of "my" food: Ask my family!!!

When I think of the meaning of Lent I can't help but slip into my many memories of vowing to God I will never eat chocolate, sugar, and flour again. I would sit in the pew, teeth clenched, promising I will never ever binge on sugary, chocolaty foods. I promise! Only to fall a few short days into my penance.

Well, yesterday as I looked around the church, sitting comfy in my pew, I let my mind wander (while Father Tom was explaining the meaning of Lent...about how this is the season of preparation for the believer—through prayer, penitence, alms-giving, and self-denial...for the next 6 weeks until Easter) and began to scan the room assessing what each person might be struggling with. Perhaps some were giving up alcohol, or maybe drugs, sex...or some behavior or thought they were agonizing over. I recall when I would give up this, that...or the other...and make it for just a few days before succumbing to my food addiction.

As far back as a small child I was giving up candy for Lent. And even then I could not string but a few days together before diving into some gooey treat. I remember Mom catching me with a huge bag of candies I had bought from The Penny's Store only a few days after giving up sweets as part of my penance. Mom was furious and put the bag in the third drawer of the dresser in her bedroom. The very same bedroom and dresser I found the cough medicine with a terrifying picture of a scull on the back side reading: Poison! Although the picture was frightening, as I was barely 5 years of age, it did not stop me from guzzling down a good portion of the bottle. I was attracted to the sugary cherry taste...and ended up in the hospital to get my stomach pumped.

Okay, I digressed...back to the candy in the third drawer in my parents bedroom. I would sneak in their room every day to steal a piece (okay..several pieces!) always feeling God was watching me and I would be punished for this. But, I could not stop myself. This "thing" would come over me and I HAD TO HAVE it. I think of it like a run away train...no way is it going to stop for quite a distance.

I racked up years of unsuccessful attempts at giving up sweets for Lent until one year (about 13 years ago) I gave up chocolate, sugar, and white flour for Lent. For real! No cheating. No taking breaks on Sunday. No excuses. I abstained the entire forty days and forty nights and weekends too! After about the first three days I began to feel absolutely fabulous. I was free of cravings, low self-worth disappeared, mood swings corrected, body aches became nonexistent, not to mention weight began to release. I had dropped several sizes in the weeks of abstinence. And I was at a good weight to begin with as I had "dieted" off nearly 100 pounds.

I remember driving up to the West Coast of Florida to spend Easter with Mom and my then little boy Benjamin, feeling absolutely fantastic and "swearing" I would not break my abstinence simply because it was Easter and I could (according to the church). This particular Easter Mom had the really good stuff: Cadbury Easter Eggs (dark chocolate). How could I possibly go an Easter without a Cadbury Easter Egg? That was it! I dove in and ate the entire weekend...and went on for quite a few years before giving up the sugar, flour, and wheat for good.

It was evident to me yesterday that I have come a very long way from those many Lenten seasons of the past. As I sat in the pew wondering who had eaten what, or drugged with their last drug, or smoked their last cigarette, I smiled within and thanked God that I no longer had to sit with a clenched jaw thinking about what "substance" I had to give up; but, rather was grateful for how far I have come, able to let go of the sugar, flour, and wheat...not just for the Lenten season but for years and years. Furthermore, I have been able to help many others do the same through self-hypnosis and psychotherapy. I recognize my growth and witness their positive changes as well.

I left the church feeling strong and healthy and good about myself. As I made my way back to my car smiling at others while they were responding with smiles I thought were extra big, I pondered to myself on how kind and loving their nods were and extra big smiles they so generously gave. That is until I got into the car to examine my ashes on my forehead and realized the Deacon had "got" me again! Every year he seems to put the biggest, darkest cross of ashes on my forehead almost taking up the entire space. I guess the mark is to humble me and wake me from my stoic place.

Photo taken by: Lisa Ortigara Crego

Giving in to Food Addiction...

As I gaze at this picture I took a few months ago I remember thinking how the sun rising looks similar to the sun setting. Is it a beginning or an ending...only to be a beginning once again? Somehow, my mind managed to relate this thought to successfully giving up addictive foods only to fall back to binging on sugary and flour foods, and then to give them up again. A continuous cycle like sunrise and sunset.

A dear friend of mine, who I admire and respect, fell off her program eating free of sugar, flour and wheat after years of leading the way for many food addicts. At first, I felt heaviness in my heart: an ending. But...then I thought about myself and the times I fell off my path and succumbed to binge eating. Although they were dreadful times, I learned and grew from each experience beyond my wildest imagination.

You see, when you are eating non processed real foods and your weight is "normalized" there is this sense of glorious mastering (beating) a chronic, progressive, and fatal disease. You begin to forget where you were, only focused on where you are: your success. Today, at times I might embrace this almighty knowing because I am 100 pounds lighter and hundreds of people come to me for advice...and then the unthinkable happens: your mentor falls. It's like an ice cold splash of water smack in the face. It is a reminder that this disease does not go away, it is only masked with clean eating, while lurking in the background is the disease wanting to resurface.

But is this the end? No! It is only the beginning. Just as the sun rises and sets and then rises once again. Every fall brings an incredible surge of erecting. I would not be where I am today if I did not crash many times. Father Rookey (a wonderful priest I know) told me once, "Out of bad comes good: Always." He spoke these words with such conviction as he looked straight into my eyes.

Out of bad, comes good: Always! Hey, look at Oprah...another mentor of mine (and probably yours). She too struggles with this insidious disease. She inevitably will turn bad into good. It is destined. But for today, she is struggling with her weight and addiction to food. Food addiction knows no bias. It does not matter how rich or poor you are, educated or uneducated, if your skin is black, white, or brown. Food addiction is a chemical imbalance that often comes with weight gain and even obesity. Statistics show more than seven million Americans suffer from Binge Eating Disorder (BED), which often is perpetuated by food addiction (chemical imbalance).

I read in Oprah Magazine (March, 2009), What I Know for Sure section, "66% of American adults are either overweight or obese." In my own research I learned that if Americans don't make a positive change in their eating and exercise 75% of the population will be overweight or obese by the year 2015! This is not astounding to me as my pager rings several times a day with someone reaching out for help with their eating disorder.

Yes, my dear friend and mentor is in a dark place. You could say she is the sun going down. But tomorrow is the birth of a new day, a new beginning. She will climb out of her darkness and blind us all with her light. Out of bad comes good: Always!

Photo taken by: Lisa Ortigara Crego

Valentines Day!

As I was taking a wonderful walk this morning, listening to the birds singing…the sky as blue as blue can be…and flowers blooming, I was thinking about what Valentines represents to me today, versus years ago before I understood my food addiction. In the past, chocolate for sure was my first thought with Valentines. And, I think it still is. The difference is I don't "act" on it now. I just think back fondly...sort of like an old lover. You could say I romanced the chocolate for sure. In fact, just looking at it makes the brainwaves tingle just as a hard core drug addict would.

The chocolate in the photo represents a drug to me, yet we would not have a holiday (like Valentines) with a photo of a line of cocaine as part of the celebration…at least not legally. Yes, chocolate is an illegal substance for me. Sort of a sobering thought isn't it.? How could something so sweet (no pun intended) and innocent wreak such havoc in my life. The answer for me, is I have a chemical imbalance and when I put chocolate, sugar, flour, and wheat into my system I can't stop. Something clicks in my brain and I start to volume eat. I learned after falling many times that I can not cure this addiction, but I can live a life in recovery. Just like the cocaine addict can not have one little line for old times sake because she/he will jump right back into the illness from one little snort.

So, what does Valentines mean to me today? It means total gratitude. My body is nearly 100 pounds lighter than its highest weight. I am clear in my mind. I am loving my bike rides and walks as much as I loved the chocolates (okay...not quite...but close!). I am able to help hundreds of people through this chronic, progressive, and fatal disease. I am able to have "healthy" relationships. The price of giving up decadent chocolate for my life back is definitely worth all the preparation and vigilance I put forth every day to stay clean.

I am thankful and grateful. Happy Valentines to all of you! May your day bring you love, peace, and joy.

Tribute to Mom...

Today, February 7, 2009 marks the seventh year since my Mom's passing. Time does go on, I have learned. This morning as I was walking with my dog Sage I was thinking about my Mom and remembering all the good times and the not so good times.

My Mom was a rebel (at least that is how I saw her). She danced to her own tune. Heck, her license plate said: WET BAR. Need I say more! She raised and bred German Shepherds, showing them all over the United States. She no doubt had the most beautiful German Shepherds and won many accolades with her champions.

In fact, if Mom knew about my dog Sage, she would greatly disapprove because she is a White German Shepherd, which breaks all the rules (her rules). I like to think of my Sage as an Angel dog...sent from above, as she came to me shortly after my Mom passed. And what a story it was. Of course, I will save that story for another time.

Anyway, as I think about my Mom and her life I have come to accept why she was the way she was. My Mom lost her father to a heart attack when he was only 42 years old and she was an adolescent, which is a delicate time in life to begin with. Shortly after, she met my Dad, who lost his Mom in his young adulthood. My Mom's father was wearing belly fat (at least all the photos indicate this) and could stand to lose some pounds. My Dad's Mom died of a bowel obstruction and all her photos show her considerably overweight. My Mom had a massive stroke when she was only 62 years of age a few weeks before her 63 birthday ( on the eve of Easter) and passed away four years later at the age of 67. My Mom was 5' 4" on a good day and weighed over 300 pounds. All three early deaths (Mom, Grandpa, and Nona) maybe did not have to be.

Where am I going with all of this?

I fought weight most of my life from adolescence on. At times I was a hundred pounds over my "normal" weight. Up and down I went. I think it was my Mom's weight that prompted me to focus on my own health and weight. I believe it was her weight that shortened her life. I began battling my weight as a teenager. I believe today I have an understanding about weight and eating disorders as a result of my Mom's life and my genetic line. I also understand we don't have to take our gene pool as the written law. We can change it!

I learned for myself that I could make choices and live my life in a healthy manner, or...I could struggle forever. I decided to change my thinking. I believe in the power of the mind. I believe we can be anything we want to be. I decided to put my energy into learning about the subconscious mind and making a shift. I found hypnosis a great tool to assist with the changing of the mind and ultimately changing the relationship with food; hence the weight corrected.

My weight is now "normal" and I feel the freedom of not eating out of control. I began my journey feeling thin in my mind, to visualizing (imagining) myself thin, to "be" thin and ultimately act thin. My food choices slowly changed and sugar, flour, and wheat were eliminated. It was a process, and I definitely prescribe to progress not perfection. In time...slowly and steadily, my weight corrected, cravings disappeared, and I became quite happy with myself.

On this anniversary of my Mom's passing, I think about what if Mom would have caught the blessing I did, and she ate clean and healthy. Would she be here today? Who knows! I know I can't go back and do the what ifs...but I can live in the now and learn from what she did. My sisters (3 of them) learned this too. Although we all work our eating differently, we all three are very conscientious of eating healthy and keeping our weight down. For this, we owe to our Mom who unconsciously taught us what not to do.

Photo taken by: Lisa Ortigara Crego