Memories of Time Passed....

I was up early this morning walking along the beach and feeling so alive and connected to myself and beyond. I have walked this very beach over and over for the past 40-something years and it always tugs at my heart. I have so many memories of where I was and where I am.

Last night my youngest son and I watched old videos we recorded 11 years ago. My have we changed! He was so little with a sweet young voice. My hair was long, blond and flowing. I remember back then thinking how fat I was and yet, looking at the video I was not.

The lesson is to be present rather than thinking about where I was or where I want to be...how about just sitting with the now. Sometimes, even today, I think I am fat or ugly, or some other negative kind of thinking. It would be sad to look at a video 11 years from now and think I looked pretty darn good then...but now do not. On and on that negative cycle of thinking could go. I am okay right now in this very moment. I have all I need and I am able to bask in it.

At this moment, writing this blog, I am looking out at the dock that I painted red wood with turquoise benches. Mom would like the "art deco" look if she were here. It is such a beautiful view. A window she looked out many times herself. The same window Ma (my grandmother) looked out. Both women obese and both women suffered from strokes. I wonder what their dreams were as they stared off onto the blue sparkly waters. Did they have regrets of yesterday or hopes and dreams for tomorrow?





Last night, watching the videos there was one with Mom after her stroke. We (all my siblings) were gathered around her talking and laughing and exchanging quibbles of nothing. It was beautiful to see us all congregated around her. I think about her stroke and how maybe it did not have to be. She was significantly over weight, did not exercise, and ate high fat foods. The "what ifs" start to sprout as I ponder. Would she still be here if she had eaten free of sugar, flour, wheat, and high fat foods? Do I go there in my thoughts? Perhaps not. I need to stay present.


My lesson this morning, while walking the beach I had traveled on hundreds of mornings when life was younger and simpler ( or was it?), was to stay in the now. To be where I am. And where I am, is sitting looking out the window seeing a boat or two passing by, big egrets sauntering by, pelicans diving for a treat... and me experiencing the pure joy of being in paradise.


One of the videos we watched was of a 4Th of July celebration in 2001. We were gathered with dear friends sharing a meal and watched the fire works. Benjamin (my son) had the camera on me and was commenting on how I was breaking my "diet." And I responded so defensively on how it was all worked in my plan. I was still in the diet defensive mode. I did not learn yet that life would be simpler, more spiritual, and the diet clenched attitude would be released. I did not know I would find an answer to my own obesity, binge eating, and food addiction.


As our video movie night continued to unfold there also was footage of our oldest son wearing a great deal of weight. He was darn right obese. Watching me eat clean and healthy for years has rubbed off on him. He is now lean and healthy and moving in a positive direction. Videos can teach us a great deal. I learned to live now but take the nuggets of treasures from what I learned watching me in the past.

I am blessed and fortunate right now. Not last year...and not tomorrow...right now. My body is healthy, thin, and I can walk for very long distances...just as I did 11 years ago...and 11 years before that. The difference is today I don't binge and I don't harbor "crazy" diet talks. The difference is I am free of sugar, flour, and wheat and my weight is "normal" and my thoughts are clear.

Life today is good. Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow is not here yet. My body is thin and strong. I don't binge. Food cravings are nonexistent. This morning I was up early walking the very beach I had wishes, hopes, and dreams when I was barely 12 years of age. Now, 40 years later I still have wishes, hopes, and dreams but they are not about my body, my weight, my newest diet, or latest binge. I dream of living more in the present and experiencing this beach, this dock, this paradise that I love so.

Photos taken by: Dr. Lisa Ortigara Crego

Eating Disorders and Certified Eating Disorder Professionals

Today is one of those glorious Sunday afternoons when the sun is out and the birds are chirping. It is one of those days where the world feels right and excitement, for no apparent reason, looms above. And yet, somewhere out there someone is suffering alone from an eating disorder. Someone is wondering when the binge will end and the weight will be released. That someone used to be me. It is a lonely, scary place to be.

Today I was reading an e-mail from The International Association of Eating Disorder Professionals (also known as iaedp) and learned something I was not aware of. To date, iaedp is the only organization in the world that certifies professional competency to treat eating disorders through its Certified Eating Disorder Specialist (CEDS) and Certified Eating Disorder Specialist-Nutritionist (CEDS-N) certifications (Cumella, 2009). There currently are only 104 CEDS or CEDS-N professionals with active certifications. Interestingly, I am one of the 104 certified eating disorder specialists, and yet there are 923,000 healthcare providers who can offer counseling services in the United States! How could this be? Only 104, or 0.01%, have a CEDS or CEDS-N!

More interesting, to date, there are 642 healthcare providers in the US and Canada who claim to specialize in eating disorder treatment; however, only 104, or 16%, have evidence of their competency to do so through a recognized certification program, the CEDS or CEDS-N (Cumella, 2009). This baffles my mind! Eating disorders are chronic, progressive, and fatal. We need more certified experts working with patients with such a deadly disease.

I read a few years ago that by the year 2015 if preventative measures are not in place we could see 75% of the population overweight or obese. This is a huge number! Think about it, 75 people out of 100 will be wearing extra weight. What will this do to healthcare? What is the answer? I believe we need to move closer to "real" food and further from "processed" foods. Sugar, flour, and wheat, along with high fatty foods seem to be the culprit, especially for us who suffer from eating disorders. And there are plenty of us!

Today, as a provider certified to treat eating disorders, I carry a qualification that few have achieved. It seems unthinkable there are 923,000 healthcare providers who can offer counseling services in the United States, and yet there are only 104, or 0.01%, certified as eating disorder specialists! I think what makes me most uncomfortable is learning healthcare providers are claiming to specialize in eating disorder treatment and yet few have the education, certification and/or authority to do so. The International Association of Eating Disorder Professionals is recognized for certification programs that train and prepare practitioners to deal with a disorder that is growing with each passing minute. Perhaps if the word gets out more and more will sign up to join the certified eating disorder specialists to help those suffering from eating disorders reach a place of recovery.

Although there are many hurdles the eating disorder professional must jump through in order to stay abreast to the ever-changing field of eating disorders, it is well worth the efforts. Every day I am reaching out and helping someone who is suffering as I had. Every day I know someone is dying from this disease. Every day I know I can reach out my hand to another and lift them out of their pain. Nobody has to suffer from this disease. There are answers and help that can take you to recovery. I know...I live in recovery every day.

It is no secret there are millions suffering from eating disorders. As I sit here comfortable in my own recovery on this beautiful Sunday late afternoon I wonder how many out there are feeling alone, binging, purging, or restricting today. I know I will be able to go to sleep tonight with no shame or regrets for having eaten foods that are causing me to binge, crave, or purge. Thank God I never purged with food, but I certainly did my share with over exercising and an occasional bout with laxatives. Just writing the words down makes me wiggle with discomfort. It is hard to believe a decade and a half ago I was really suffering and yet I looked so good on the outside. I was working a program for the most part...but then the disease would rear its ugly head with no warning. Tonight, I will be able to close my eyes and drift off to sleep knowing I am in a good place spiritually, physically, and emotionally.

References:

US Department of Labor, Bureau of Labor Statistics. Retrieved May 3, 2009 from http://www.bls.gov/oco/cg/cgs035.htm#emply

Academy for Eating Disorders. Retrieved May 3, 2009 from http://www.aedweb.org/public/results.cfm

Cumella, E. J. (2009). News for Eating Disorders Professionals. International Association of Eating Disorder Professionals. Retrieved on May 13 from: http://www.iaedp.com/

Photos taken by: Dr. Lisa Ortigara Crego

Chicago Bound...and Back....

I spent the past few days in Chicago. Today is my Dad's 83rd birthday and he continues to work his empire. I am amazed at his strength, motivation, and continuous vision.

Sitting on the plane with my handsome 20 year old son, headed for Chicago in honor of my father’s 83rd birthday, I found myself sandwiched between my son and an adorable, but severely overweight college girl. I was her...once upon a time. As I was settling into my seat, arranging my carry-on with ease, I realized how difficult it was back in the days when my weight was peaked out at 234 pounds. I am flying Spirit airlines, which is known for great economical prices, but also very small seats!

I realized, snug in my seat, how far my life has come. There was a time I would have purchased muffins, candy bars, chips, and coffee before even boarding the plane just to have my “stash” of goodies for the ride. Today, I still need my stash of food, but the nutrients are quite different. I am toting homemade apple-raspberry muffins and a decaffeinated coffee. A far cry from where I had been not so long ago.

I feel snug no longer worried about my last binge, future diet, or future binge. I have my routine in place, always vigilant regarding what is my food, and what is not: never taking chances. While waiting at the airport terminal, I observed so many scurrying to get doughnuts, coffee, muffins (not my “natural” sugar-free muffins). I could see the familiar urgency and frenzy written over their faces and body language. I wondered if they were plotting the upcoming diet, if the guilt and shame set in, or if they were at the euphoric state we addicts reach on the first bite of gooey chocolate laden treat.

As the plane began descending, I embraced the thought of 3 days in Chicago with my family of origin. There will be parties and dinners to attend, and I will partake in all of the festivities, but the difference will be no flour, sugar, or wheat, for me. I will walk in the morning, strolling near lake Michigan observing the neighborhood mansions for my a.m. routine exercise. I will ring in Dad’s 83rd birthday conscious and present, rather than numbed out on sugar, flour, and wheat. This trip was a friendly reminder of where I have been and where I am, and where I am headed. Life is delicious.

Sitting at the airport on my return to Ft. Lauderdale, Florida I am snug and full of joy. My trip was very good. I enjoyed family and what it represents. I did not dream about foods I was not eating, or wishing to eat, or feeling guilty for having eaten them. I am with my fresh salad, topped with chunks of chicken and lemon knowing another day is closing clean and healthy. I have learned to be prepared for my trips and work my routine. The rest is easy. My father and his siblings are all elderly, but you would not know. They are healthy, vibrant, and still working a strong and prosperous business. I have learned many of my good habits from watching them. And of course some things I have to step away from them…like eating the sweets, breads, and pastas…all a part of the Italian way.