Sitting on the Dock: Pelican and Me

I am sitting on the dock with a mug of tea watching this very pelican and wondering if he(she?) was thinking about anything in particular. He looked so comfortable, like he didn't have a care in the world. As for me, I was close to comfortable, sitting with my hot tea on the very same dock I have sat on a million times for the past 40 years. Tons of memories flooded in. Like the time when I was on the edge of becoming a teenager and I helped my grand parents move into this very beach house.

I remember the first time my feet touched Florida soil and I knew I was home. I had no doubt this was where I belonged. It took many visits until I actually made the move and left my entire family in Chicago, as I was Florida bound. I was in my late 20's. Back in my formative years, I sat on this very dock in my bikini trying to tan and feeling fat. I was 115 pounds! I was already obsessed with sugary foods and dieting. I was already sneaking into my grandmothers chocolate coconut patties, mango marmalade, and whatever old candy bars I could find in the fridge that my grandfather had. I remember eating a candy that was on its way to turning into rubber. This did not matter...it was chocolate and it was sweet...and it made me "feel" better when I ate it.

I had no idea I was entering into binge eating disorder, an eating disorder that is still up for discussion in the DSM-IV-TR (the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 4th ed.). I also did not know I had food addiction, which is why when I put the sugar and chocolate into my mouth I instantly felt better; at least for a moment. The question that often arises from my patients is whether food addiction and binge eating are the same thing? I too asked the very question over and over.

What is food addiction? Food addiction involves engaging repeatedly in episodes of binge eating regardless of adverse consequences, while in aggressive pursuit of a mood change. Hmmm...sounds to me like they are intertwined to some degree. What is this aggressive eating? Well, it is the compulsion, an irresistible impulse, to eat a specific food(s), especially in an irrational state or contrary to one's will. The urge is about ingesting this food no matter what.

What is binge eating? Binge eating is eating a large amount of food in a small period of time regardless of the consequences. In my experience as a certified eating disorder specialist and as a recovering food addict, binge eating and food addiction go hand in hand.The Compulsion is always present in the disease of addiction, whether it is cocaine, vodka, or a chocolate bar. My research has led me to know the food addict has a metabolic, biochemical imbalance, which results in the characteristic symptoms of addiction. The foodaholic is obsessed with food (usually sugary, high fat, starchy foods) ingesting large quantities of these foods to destructive and/or negative consequences physically, emotionally, mentally, and relationally.

Given the definition of binge eating and food addiction, it is apparent they are intertwined in most cases. Could a person binge eat and not be a food addict? There are many eating disorder specialists that would agree one can be a binge eater without having a food addiction; however, an acctive food addict always binge eats. I am a food addict and I binged. Yes, binged...past tense. I am still a food addict but I choose to live life in recovery rather than in the disease. There is a price for my sanity: not eating sugar, flour, and wheat. It is a small price, given I have no cravings or irresistible urge to eat sugar, flour, and wheat. It is a small price to pay when my body is a "normal" weight and I am not going on and off of diets? It is a small price to pay when the insanity and chatter in my mind is completely silent, peaceful, and full of serenity.

So, as I am sitting on the dock, watching this pelican while sipping on my mug of tea, I think I figured out what my new feathery friend is thinking about. He has been watching the water intensely and as soon as he saw the little fish in plain view he made a beeline towards it and scarfed it up. He was waiting for food...but not the way I used to sit on this dock thinking about food 40 years ago. I was thinking about sneaking into the fridge and the pantry to steal the foods and then figure out where to hide it so I could eat it fast and furiously...and alone. My new buddy (the pelican) was looking for food as fuel...nothing more...nothing less. He was eating for survival. So...I sit here, comfortable and at peace for I truly have not a care in the world. Life is good!

Photo taken by Dr. Lisa Ortigara Crego

Addicted to a Twinky?

I was reading an interesting article tonight on emerging trends in addiction treatment (Price, 2009) in the Monitor on Psychology. What I found interesting was the emphasis on new treatments for illicit drugs like marijuana and cocaine and licit drugs such as Xanax, Vicodin, and Oxycontin. Of course these addictions and some of the new treatments are not new to me as an addiction professional; however, what is interesting is the attention abuse of these drugs receives.

What about those suffering from addictions to food? The response to the triggers is almost identical. Whether the addiction is cocaine or a twinky, there is a loss of control, physiological tolerance, and psychological dependence occurring when the specific stimulus is ingested (or snorted or mainlined) resulting in negative consequences in basic life functions. These negative consequences include, relationships with: family, social situations, intimate relationships, spiritual or God, the law, health, and work life.

This sounds so dramatic when you think in light of a twinky! Could a person do something drastic if they have an addiction to sugar, flour, and wheat? I did! I remember some really foolish things I did when I was into my trigger foods. I remember one time driving over to the west coast of Florida in my 8 cylinder, 5 speed Mustang convertible with the top down, wind blowing through my hair...my 75 pound dog and then young son accompanying me, while eating a taco salad, shifting, and driving on a major highway weaving in and out of traffic. My reckless behavior certainly could have had severe consequences. I was using my hands to eat and my knees to steer the wheel, down shifting when needed, letting go of the wheel with one of my hands. This was definitely loss of control and possible disaster, just to get my foods in.

In my situation, phsyiological tolerance was evident. There was a time I was eating enough food to feed an army of people in one sitting. I ate large volumes in a small period of time not caring about the consequences...until I finished...and then the shame and bargaining set in. I never thought about how damaging this large volume of food might be on my health...but I did think about my weight and the fear of gaining until I would "fix" the thought with the next "diet" I was going to go on. It was a vicious cycle much like the drug addict experiences.

As for the psychological dependence, I feared life without these foods in it. I could not imagine never eating a chocolate bar again, or a soft piece of bread, or a Ritz cracker. These foods were my friends, my buddies, my life. The sadness and fear that overcame me was frightening and unthinkable. I did not want to go out socially. I would much rather be home with my stash of food and the television. The food took the place of relationships. As for God or a spiritual recovery, the path was blocked. How could I let goodness in when I was feeling so awful about myself. I was filled with shame and a low self worth I can barely believe was the me I know today.

Today, as I read the article on the new emerging trends in addiction treatment, and though happy to learn of new treatments on the horizon, I am saddened the food addict is struggling alone and most often not recognized or acknowledged. Treatments often neglect the addictive piece associated with binge eating disorder and compulsive eating. When patients come to me for the first time I see such sadness and fear in their eyes. By the time they leave they have hope to hold on to. They learn they are not alone and although they may suffer from this disease and that it is a chemical imbalance, it is not their fault. What they hear is so foreign yet validating. Perhaps one day soon I will pick up the Monitor on Psychology and read about the new treatment for food addiction!

Photo taken by: Dr. Lisa Ortigara Crego