Why Are You Writing This Book?

A few years ago I attempted to retain the services of an editor to assist me with the mechanics of my book on spiritual recovery from food addiction. The first question she asked me was, “Why are you writing this book?” Why? Hmmm. Well, I stammered through a sentence or two saying something to the fact that I wanted to help people. Silence on the other end, not even the sound of her breath was heard.

After hanging up from a difficult call, I thought hard and deep on why I invested so much time writing my book. From that moment forward I wrote and rewrote and wrote again to the point of where my book, In God’s Hand: Release the Obsession with Food, morphed into work I’m quite proud of.  I learned from that call, and a failed attempt, to string my efforts into the right pattern on exactly how to answer that very question to anyone who cared to ask.

Why am I writing this book?  Why was I taking a dissertation that was stale and breathing life into a book for a wide audience of therapists, eating disordered persons, and those struggling with weight issues in general? I knew for a fact I didn’t write this book for notoriety, fame, money, or to see my name in print.

I wrote In God’s Hand: Release the Obsession with Food for us, who are alone with the monster (Food) every single day and trying to control it and not let it control us.

I wrote because living with an addiction to specific foods that result in compulsive overeating is an unsolicited and difficult path to venture alone. I know when I was struggling with obsessing and bingeing on food I had no idea where to turn. I was lost and scared and didn’t understand why I couldn’t stop eating to the point my weight was nearly 100 pounds over the suggested healthy weight.  I thought something was wrong with me. First I thought I was crazy, and then wondered if I had a physical problem—or perhaps God was angry with me. Or, I was weak and had no control.

Compulsive eaters most often don’t recognize that they have sensitivities to certain foods but rather believe something is wrong with them when they can’t manage their food intake in “normal” amounts—especially in regard to carbohydrates. Often, for this group of individuals, excess weight, mood swings, extreme fatigue, and irritability are everyday occurrences. Seeking answers to what is actually a disease may not be the obvious road for the sufferer to travel, so blaming self for lack of willpower becomes the daily, inner rant.

Compulsive eaters at nearly every stage of their misery pick up self-help books, try fad diets, join diet clubs, and sometimes even enter treatment centers for eating disorders—all of which are structured to help inform and “cure” them of their debilitation. But the books, diet centers, counselors, and eating disorder treatment facilities generally do not address the actual food sensitivity or the sufferer’s ultimate spiritual depletion. Instead, these turn the afflicted addict loose clutching a Band-Aid solution (diet) without looking more deeply into the food sensitivity and spiritual bankruptcy plaguing the food disordered person’s very soul.

In God’s Hand: Release the Obsession with Food addresses those who seek recovery from binge eating and/or food addiction and who define themselves as “spiritual.” My book illuminates the experience of living with food addiction, recovery, and movement in the direction of spiritual revitalization. This is not a ten-step formula for losing weight and/or being “cured” of a compulsive eating disorder—because losing weight is not the focus of the book, and food addiction is a lifelong disease that can only be dealt with one day at a time. But what this book does promise is an increased connection to a self-defined spiritual sense, allowing readers to release a previously unbreakable obsession with what they eat. The book will not be one among many commonplace offerings, but will provide rather an exclusive, in-depth account as to what it is like to live with a compulsive eating disorder—versus confronting one’s inner demons, moving into spiritual awareness, and handling various situations for genuine recovery

I didn't have the experience or the know-how to understand what was wrong with me before studying eating disorders and weight related topics at length.  Now I know.  I would like my book to reach out to the teenager suffering perhaps with weight, acne, and loneliness, filled with remorse and shame because she doesn’t know how to stop eating. I would like to say it’s going to be okay—it isn't your fault, let me show you the way out.

I wish when I was a pimpled, fat, lonly13 year old, standing in front of the fridge shoveling food in not fast enough, someone would have said let me explain to you what's going on with your body, mind, and emotions. Would I have listened? I’m not sure, but I wish I had at least the option.

I'm writing this book for the young adult who is obese and can’t play with her/his children because the food obsession will not let up and they feel there is no way out. Clothes are tight and moods are up and down. There is no energy to play with the children, besides the mind won’t let go of the obsession of getting food or burning the calories already consumed.

I write to tell the moms and dads how sad I was in my young years and how alone I felt and my parents didn’t know. I want to tell them I was scared and wished I could tell someone but feared rejection or lack of understanding. I wanted to know why I was eating out of control and my siblings were not. I was so bleeping scared and had nobody to tell. I know this struggle all to well. I want to tell every mom and dad to pay attention to your little girl or boy and notice if they are isolating and rarely laugh. Reach out to the child and show them the way to peace and freedom from cravings and to a strong and healthy physical body. And if you can’t do this then find someone who can. I don’t want one more child alone with this disease. And if we can save a child then they won’t grow into a lonely, isolating adult and pass this down to their children. I want to break the chain.

I'm writing this book for doctors and therapists to let them know this obsession is real and to treat it with the right foods, exercise, and spiritual connection. That cutting patients stomachs to reroute their food and/or cutting and filling their stomachs with fill is a wasted effort if they aren't educated about trigger foods.

I write for my sons, husband, father, and sibling to tell them about my struggles and triumphs. I am writing this book for my mom who no longer is here because her obsessions and cravings led to a massive stroke and took her life before her time. I'm writing this book for my best friend Yvonne (who died before her time) who always tried to help and to understand me and believed I could eat trigger foods in moderation—not understanding one bite of certain foods sent me down the road of bingeing and not returning. I am reaching out to cousins who have the same problem as I do to know it's genetic and not their fault.

And most of all, I am writing this book for me to work through and understand all my struggles. To understand why I made some of the poor choices I made. To reflect on how lonely and scared I was most of my life.

I am writing this book to stare down the doubters, the scoffers, the misunderstood, the authorities, the government. Our children are in trouble. We need to rise up and face this situation now.

I am writing this book to save my patients from a disease that kills. I am writing this book because God wants me to write and He will guide me throughout the process no matter how long it takes, no matter how high my mountain will be.

Photos by: Dr. Lisa Ortigara Crego
http://weightcontroltherapy.com/

I'm a Food Junkie...

My first real summer job, at the age of 13, was at the local bakery in town in Wautoma, Wisconsin. Getting that job I’d thought I won the lottery ticket. I had access to the goods five days a week with little supervision. It was a Willie Wonka life—for real. I ate bakery from the second the boss left until I clocked out.

Hi, my name is Lisa—I’m a food junkie. A food junkie thinks about food every waking moment: She/He is an addict. An addict is someone who is physiologically dependent on a substance.

My dependence began in early childhood but I wasn’t aware of it. At first I needed a doughnut to feel calm and it progressed to two, three, and four—and before I knew it the bakers dozen wasn’t cutting it.

I binged daily on cakes, cookies, doughnuts and freshly baked hot bread slathered in butter. But soon after taking my first bite of a “sugary/salty treat,” I fluctuated between a hair-raising, euphoric “sugar high” and a dark, negative wretchedness. To make matters worse, my weight swelled to 100 pounds over my ideal weight.

An abrupt deprivation of simple carbohydrates produced withdrawal symptoms. Chocolate bars, cakes, cookies, alcoholic beverages, sweetened soft drinks are simple sugar sources that provide calories, but usually no nutrients. From the sugar, I experienced depression, anxiety, and irritability only to return back to such sweets to fend off my melancholy, tranquilize my sense of being ill at ease, and lessen my agony—intense physical and mental suffering.

I experienced a violent struggle between outbursts of excitement and despair. A vicious cycle indeed! I didn’t realize these quickly metabolized carbohydrates briefly made me feel wonderful but then took me from that deceptive, blissful high to a tumultuous low.

I developed a physical dependence from chronic use of chocolate, cookies, cakes, and salty pretzels, which produced a high tolerance to them.

The chemical dependence is related to changes in the addict’s brain chemistry. Those changes involve the “pleasure circuit,” where, because of sensitivity to these substances, certain neurotransmitters and receptors create pleasurable feelings after being stimulated by simple carbohydrates.

With an abrupt deprivation of simple carbs, I experienced withdrawal symptoms, including severe headaches and body aches, and I broke out in a cold sweat and was irritable and fatigued. I found comfort in nothing except returning to sweets and starches.

In order to experience the symptoms of withdrawal, one must have first developed a chemical dependence. This happens after consuming one or more of these substances for a certain period of time, which is both dose dependent and varies based upon the drug consumed.

I first developed a chemical dependence after consuming sweets and salty simple carbohydrates every day in large quantities for months, to the point of being well beyond full. The negative symptoms of withdrawal were the result of abrupt discontinuation or cutting back on the amounts I consumed.

The higher the dose of sugar and starches typically the worse the physical dependence, and thus, the worse the withdrawal symptoms. Withdrawal symptoms can last days, weeks, or months, or on occasion even longer and will vary from individual to individual.

Although my sensitivity to certain foods was well in place in my formative years (and most likely from conception) it was my first real summer job at the local baker that really opened my eyes that I had a problem. My weight soared and I couldn’t stop eating. Answers and solutions only came to me later in life after years of studying, working with patients and making drastic changes in my own life style.

I learned if I numb my feelings through addictive foods I am incapable if action or feeling emotion, blocking joy from my life and entering a vicious cycle. But, but when I allowed myself to be vulnerable and let myself be “seen” rather than anesthetized from addictive foods, I could reach a spiritual awakening and perhaps with my awareness I can drop a seed of hope to others.

Where is Spirit?

Where is spirit? Where do you find it? Do we all have a spiritual guide? A chapter in my manuscript discusses the impact of the ever presence of strong spirituality. With regards to compulsive eating, some believe without spiritual energy one is blocked from reaching their peak because the noise is too loud – telling you to eat foods that are going to make you sick – yet you eat them anyway because the voice tells you to. The voice that is saying it is okay this one time because you will begin your diet tomorrow or Monday or on some special holiday. Lent is here and it is a time many addicts vow to not eat, drink, smoke or whatever the vice is for 40 days and 40 nights. A promise to cleanse and begin anew.


Father Tom pressed his thumb hard against my forehead mumbling "ashes to ashes – dust to dust" as he left the imprint of a charcoal colored cross taking up most of the space above my eyes and below my hairline. I walked around wearing my thumb print for all to see– ready to take up the cross and repent – and give up something. This year I relinquished salt and sweeteners. To some this may sound simple, for me it is a gargantuan task. I sprinkle salt on everything and sweeteners are soon to follow. How will my spirit take over my cravings. Will they just be lifted or do I consciously give them up? Do I put the focus on salt and sweeteners or on spirit?

I think of spirit like fresh snow draping over tree branches as they dip low in the early morning with bird prints sprawled below; the scent of freshly cut grass mixed with spring Lilly's and sea air; Sage pressing her cold wet nose in my hand in hopes I will pet her soft luscious white coat; a baby smiling and cooing as it looks at me in hoisted position off her mothers shoulder; sitting on the dock with a hot cup of tea after planting fresh daisies below the cobalt sky and bluish gray waters dancing like diamonds sprinkled about. Spirit is everywhere. Everywhere is spirit. I invite and embrace it. Spirit enters and addictions are pushed far back - almost a dream – at least for this moment.

The day after pledging your penance reality sits in. Wanting what you have agreed to give up comes calling. Wondering if you really can go 40 days without your designated "drug." It is easy to say I swear and promise I will give this substance up as the palm ashed cross is securely placed and visible for all to see. But the day after is an entirely different feel. The withdrawals begin to set in and missing your favorite "whatever" comes calling. It is at this point you ask where is my spirit that will lead me to recovery? Where?

Where is spirit? Spirit is here, there, and everywhere – always present – always ready to serve. It requires no cue – it just is. You can't touch it, smell it, or see it, but if you're still enough you can feel it. It is available for everyone whether you are tall, short, big, small, black, white or in between. Spirit has no face yet is in each face. Spirit is here. Is now. Lent is here. I give my salt and sweetener to you higher energy and welcome the freedom.


Photos by: Dr. Lisa Ortigara Crego