Easter Day...

When I think of pale yellow daffodils with deep golden centers the first thought that pops into my head is Easter and spring time. The second thought is Lent. Today is Easter and Lent has come to a close.

My Lenten plan was to go to church every Sunday and to be kind to everyone—no matter what. Well, I didn’t quite make it, but I did my best. Lent is the forty-day-long liturgical season of fasting and prayer before Easter. I definitely don’t engage in the fasting part, as anyone who knows me will tell you I’m not nice when I’m deprived of "my" food. So, I continue to eat my three healthy meals a day with a half meal as a snack, and it works like a charm.

When I think of the meaning of Lent, I can't help but slip into my many memories of vowing to God I will not eat chocolate, sugar, and flour for forty days and forty nights. Back in the days, on Ash Wednesday, I would sit in the pew, teeth clenched, with the promise to never ever binge on sugary, chocolaty foods starting day one of Lent. I promised—only to fall a few short days into my penance.

This morning with church jam packed from one end to the other, I was without a seat, pressed against the side wall with an opportunity to observe everyone. As I looked around the church, watching all those sitting comfy in their pew, I let my mind wander, while a priest I didn’t know went on talking about how great it was to see the church full, and at the same time I scanned the room assessing and guessing what each person gave up for lent and questioned if they were relieved that today they can indulge once again, or if they made it as far as they intended on Ash Wednesday.

Then my mind reverted back to myself—hmmm—I guess I could yell at someone today. Not. I can't miss the point and move in the wrong spiritual direction of where I strive to be. As my mind continued to wander and wonder which of these folks gave up alcohol, or maybe drugs, sex...or some behavior or thought they were agonizing over. I used to give up this, that, or the other, and made it for just a few days before succumbing to my addiction: food.

As far back as a small child I gave up candy for Lent. And even then I couldn’t string but a few days together before diving into some gooey treat. If mom didn’t catch me then my conscience did. I always felt God watched and one day He would punish me for will power deficit. But, today I know my God of understanding is filled with love and that will power has nothing to do with addiction and that abstinence for me was (and is) the resolution. Today, I left church snug, with my conscience in tact, and feeling all the glory of Easter.

It is evident to me that I have come a very long way from those many Lenten seasons of the past. I made my way back to my car smiling and nodding at others and they responded in kind—I pondered to myself on how warm and loving their eyes were and at the extra gaze they so generously gave. I think I’ll continue practicing kindness and love.


Photo by: Dr. Lisa Ortigara Crego

Where is Spirit?

Where is spirit? Where do you find it? Do we all have a spiritual guide? A chapter in my manuscript discusses the impact of the ever presence of strong spirituality. With regards to compulsive eating, some believe without spiritual energy one is blocked from reaching their peak because the noise is too loud – telling you to eat foods that are going to make you sick – yet you eat them anyway because the voice tells you to. The voice that is saying it is okay this one time because you will begin your diet tomorrow or Monday or on some special holiday. Lent is here and it is a time many addicts vow to not eat, drink, smoke or whatever the vice is for 40 days and 40 nights. A promise to cleanse and begin anew.


Father Tom pressed his thumb hard against my forehead mumbling "ashes to ashes – dust to dust" as he left the imprint of a charcoal colored cross taking up most of the space above my eyes and below my hairline. I walked around wearing my thumb print for all to see– ready to take up the cross and repent – and give up something. This year I relinquished salt and sweeteners. To some this may sound simple, for me it is a gargantuan task. I sprinkle salt on everything and sweeteners are soon to follow. How will my spirit take over my cravings. Will they just be lifted or do I consciously give them up? Do I put the focus on salt and sweeteners or on spirit?

I think of spirit like fresh snow draping over tree branches as they dip low in the early morning with bird prints sprawled below; the scent of freshly cut grass mixed with spring Lilly's and sea air; Sage pressing her cold wet nose in my hand in hopes I will pet her soft luscious white coat; a baby smiling and cooing as it looks at me in hoisted position off her mothers shoulder; sitting on the dock with a hot cup of tea after planting fresh daisies below the cobalt sky and bluish gray waters dancing like diamonds sprinkled about. Spirit is everywhere. Everywhere is spirit. I invite and embrace it. Spirit enters and addictions are pushed far back - almost a dream – at least for this moment.

The day after pledging your penance reality sits in. Wanting what you have agreed to give up comes calling. Wondering if you really can go 40 days without your designated "drug." It is easy to say I swear and promise I will give this substance up as the palm ashed cross is securely placed and visible for all to see. But the day after is an entirely different feel. The withdrawals begin to set in and missing your favorite "whatever" comes calling. It is at this point you ask where is my spirit that will lead me to recovery? Where?

Where is spirit? Spirit is here, there, and everywhere – always present – always ready to serve. It requires no cue – it just is. You can't touch it, smell it, or see it, but if you're still enough you can feel it. It is available for everyone whether you are tall, short, big, small, black, white or in between. Spirit has no face yet is in each face. Spirit is here. Is now. Lent is here. I give my salt and sweetener to you higher energy and welcome the freedom.


Photos by: Dr. Lisa Ortigara Crego

Lenten Season and Abstinence

When I think of tulips the first thought that pops into my head is Easter and spring time. The second thought is Lent. Ash Wednesday (yesterday) was the start of the Lenten season. Wikipedia (the free encyclopedia on-line!) defines Lent (in some Christian denominations) as the forty-day-long liturgical season of fasting and prayer before Easter. I don't know about the fasting part, as I am not nice when I am deprived of "my" food: Ask my family!!!

When I think of the meaning of Lent I can't help but slip into my many memories of vowing to God I will never eat chocolate, sugar, and flour again. I would sit in the pew, teeth clenched, promising I will never ever binge on sugary, chocolaty foods. I promise! Only to fall a few short days into my penance.

Well, yesterday as I looked around the church, sitting comfy in my pew, I let my mind wander (while Father Tom was explaining the meaning of Lent...about how this is the season of preparation for the believer—through prayer, penitence, alms-giving, and self-denial...for the next 6 weeks until Easter) and began to scan the room assessing what each person might be struggling with. Perhaps some were giving up alcohol, or maybe drugs, sex...or some behavior or thought they were agonizing over. I recall when I would give up this, that...or the other...and make it for just a few days before succumbing to my food addiction.

As far back as a small child I was giving up candy for Lent. And even then I could not string but a few days together before diving into some gooey treat. I remember Mom catching me with a huge bag of candies I had bought from The Penny's Store only a few days after giving up sweets as part of my penance. Mom was furious and put the bag in the third drawer of the dresser in her bedroom. The very same bedroom and dresser I found the cough medicine with a terrifying picture of a scull on the back side reading: Poison! Although the picture was frightening, as I was barely 5 years of age, it did not stop me from guzzling down a good portion of the bottle. I was attracted to the sugary cherry taste...and ended up in the hospital to get my stomach pumped.

Okay, I digressed...back to the candy in the third drawer in my parents bedroom. I would sneak in their room every day to steal a piece (okay..several pieces!) always feeling God was watching me and I would be punished for this. But, I could not stop myself. This "thing" would come over me and I HAD TO HAVE it. I think of it like a run away train...no way is it going to stop for quite a distance.

I racked up years of unsuccessful attempts at giving up sweets for Lent until one year (about 13 years ago) I gave up chocolate, sugar, and white flour for Lent. For real! No cheating. No taking breaks on Sunday. No excuses. I abstained the entire forty days and forty nights and weekends too! After about the first three days I began to feel absolutely fabulous. I was free of cravings, low self-worth disappeared, mood swings corrected, body aches became nonexistent, not to mention weight began to release. I had dropped several sizes in the weeks of abstinence. And I was at a good weight to begin with as I had "dieted" off nearly 100 pounds.

I remember driving up to the West Coast of Florida to spend Easter with Mom and my then little boy Benjamin, feeling absolutely fantastic and "swearing" I would not break my abstinence simply because it was Easter and I could (according to the church). This particular Easter Mom had the really good stuff: Cadbury Easter Eggs (dark chocolate). How could I possibly go an Easter without a Cadbury Easter Egg? That was it! I dove in and ate the entire weekend...and went on for quite a few years before giving up the sugar, flour, and wheat for good.

It was evident to me yesterday that I have come a very long way from those many Lenten seasons of the past. As I sat in the pew wondering who had eaten what, or drugged with their last drug, or smoked their last cigarette, I smiled within and thanked God that I no longer had to sit with a clenched jaw thinking about what "substance" I had to give up; but, rather was grateful for how far I have come, able to let go of the sugar, flour, and wheat...not just for the Lenten season but for years and years. Furthermore, I have been able to help many others do the same through self-hypnosis and psychotherapy. I recognize my growth and witness their positive changes as well.

I left the church feeling strong and healthy and good about myself. As I made my way back to my car smiling at others while they were responding with smiles I thought were extra big, I pondered to myself on how kind and loving their nods were and extra big smiles they so generously gave. That is until I got into the car to examine my ashes on my forehead and realized the Deacon had "got" me again! Every year he seems to put the biggest, darkest cross of ashes on my forehead almost taking up the entire space. I guess the mark is to humble me and wake me from my stoic place.

Photo taken by: Lisa Ortigara Crego

Christmas in Florida!

Christmas day is about to come to a close. What a glorious day! We celebrated our annual Christmas Eve party last night. Always a gala event in our home. The house was filled with music, laughter, hugs, and tons of food.

As our party was winding down, requests for foods to take home began to pour in. It made me think of parties in the past when I would never offer anyone food because I wanted it all. I would eat and eat, and eat some more. In fact, when I gave up sugar, flour, and wheat many years ago, I was amazed to learn my family did not eat the "goods." I did! I would eat every bit knowing I was going on my "diet" on January 1.

Of course January 1 would come and go, but I did not start my new way of eating because I reasoned with myself that it was a holiday and I deserved to eat. Why not! I could start tomorrow. And of course tomorrow never came. Before I knew it Valentines Day was creeping up and certainly I could not start my way of eating until the holiday for "lovers" passed. And chocolate was my greatest love! But...promises to diet soon faded. I would reason with myself. It made perfect sense to wait until until Lent (good Catholic girl I am) before launching my diet. And of course on Ash Wednesday I would always wait (to get my ashes) for the latter part of the day so I could have my last hurrah with whatever I would be eating.

One Lent season I had an awakening! I decided to give up sugar, flour, and wheat for 40 days and 40 nights. I promised God none would touch my lips until Easter morning. Oh my! It was SO hard. I had the worst headache known to mankind. I thought I was suffering from an aneurysm. I had to lay in a dark room in absolute quiet. I could not even move my head. It felt like it weighed a million pounds. Every fiber of my being was hurting. For a minute I thought maybe God really wanted me to eat the sugary/starchy foods, and this was His sign. Nice try I heard Him whisper!

Soooooo...I continued to move through Lent without eating my beloved foods. I did it! I went 40 days and 40 nights, and after the first 3 torturous days, I was reborn. I felt unbelievable! I knew I was on to something big. I knew this was the way I should be eating. I had no cravings. Not one urge to eat sugary, starchy foods. It was a miracle! And to top it off, my weight began to drop slowly and steadily...until Easter morning came. I deserved to eat the Cadbury Easter Egg(s)! It was one of my Easter rituals...you know...open it and drizzle the goo on my tongue, down my throat, and just feel the sugar rush to my head. And that particular year, my Mom had bought special dark chocolate eggs. And...I began to eat the "goods" again...and again...and again.

It was many Christmases and other holidays before I "got" it. I remember going to a 12-step meeting looking for the answer and they presented almost exactly what I had done on that Lent so many years ago. I liked the idea...but not that much. So...I let more than a decade go by eating my way: dieting and binging, followed by dieting (which was clean eating except I allowed myself to have whole grain flours, and "gray" foods). But...I could never make it more than a few weeks before succumbing to yet another binge and slowly but surely my weight began to climb. Out of sheer fear I did find my way back to that 12-step program. Thank you God! Today, I am at a healthy weight! Last night (Christmas Eve) I was so reminded of where I used to be as I was packing up the "goods" for my guests. I was happy to see every sweet, gooey treat go.

Today, on this glorious Christmas day I woke up clear headed and free from cravings and free from guilt. I do not need to make a New Years resolution to give up sweets and processed foods like I had for so many years. I am in a good place. I have this big grin on my face (for real), and am filled with such joy knowing I carried on business as usual, even though it was a major holiday, normally food infested. Off to bed I go abstinent one more day. Life is good!

Photo taken by: Lisa Ortigara Crego