Where is Spirit?

Where is spirit? Where do you find it? Do we all have a spiritual guide? A chapter in my manuscript discusses the impact of the ever presence of strong spirituality. With regards to compulsive eating, some believe without spiritual energy one is blocked from reaching their peak because the noise is too loud – telling you to eat foods that are going to make you sick – yet you eat them anyway because the voice tells you to. The voice that is saying it is okay this one time because you will begin your diet tomorrow or Monday or on some special holiday. Lent is here and it is a time many addicts vow to not eat, drink, smoke or whatever the vice is for 40 days and 40 nights. A promise to cleanse and begin anew.


Father Tom pressed his thumb hard against my forehead mumbling "ashes to ashes – dust to dust" as he left the imprint of a charcoal colored cross taking up most of the space above my eyes and below my hairline. I walked around wearing my thumb print for all to see– ready to take up the cross and repent – and give up something. This year I relinquished salt and sweeteners. To some this may sound simple, for me it is a gargantuan task. I sprinkle salt on everything and sweeteners are soon to follow. How will my spirit take over my cravings. Will they just be lifted or do I consciously give them up? Do I put the focus on salt and sweeteners or on spirit?

I think of spirit like fresh snow draping over tree branches as they dip low in the early morning with bird prints sprawled below; the scent of freshly cut grass mixed with spring Lilly's and sea air; Sage pressing her cold wet nose in my hand in hopes I will pet her soft luscious white coat; a baby smiling and cooing as it looks at me in hoisted position off her mothers shoulder; sitting on the dock with a hot cup of tea after planting fresh daisies below the cobalt sky and bluish gray waters dancing like diamonds sprinkled about. Spirit is everywhere. Everywhere is spirit. I invite and embrace it. Spirit enters and addictions are pushed far back - almost a dream – at least for this moment.

The day after pledging your penance reality sits in. Wanting what you have agreed to give up comes calling. Wondering if you really can go 40 days without your designated "drug." It is easy to say I swear and promise I will give this substance up as the palm ashed cross is securely placed and visible for all to see. But the day after is an entirely different feel. The withdrawals begin to set in and missing your favorite "whatever" comes calling. It is at this point you ask where is my spirit that will lead me to recovery? Where?

Where is spirit? Spirit is here, there, and everywhere – always present – always ready to serve. It requires no cue – it just is. You can't touch it, smell it, or see it, but if you're still enough you can feel it. It is available for everyone whether you are tall, short, big, small, black, white or in between. Spirit has no face yet is in each face. Spirit is here. Is now. Lent is here. I give my salt and sweetener to you higher energy and welcome the freedom.


Photos by: Dr. Lisa Ortigara Crego

Yo Yo Dieting

When I explain what is really going on with binge eating and food addiction patients often resemble the deer in the headlights look. It is like they are caught! As Oprah often says, "It is a light bulb moment!" Suddenly understanding their up and down weight loss and gain becomes clear. The yo yo dieting syndrome has an explanation...an answer. It's not their fault!


Yo yo dieting is more the norm than not. The other day I was watching a recorded Oprah show (April 30, 2009) interviewing Kirstie Alley and a second person (a non-movie star) Michael Hebranko. Both were telling their heart-felt stories of losing and gaining weight. A story I know all too well. I felt their pain and urgency. Not only do I understand their yo yo diet syndrome, the patients I work with day in and day out share a similar story. What is the answer?

As I watched, Kirstie promised with such conviction she would lose her weight again and owned the "secret" way to drop weight quickly. I sadly shook my head thinking about how many times I promised to lose the weight and that I had the quick weight loss secret too. Kirstie swore she lost 20 pounds in a few short weeks and would reach her "goal" weight come November(which I need remind you she had promised for her bikini debut back in 2007). Oprah interjected, suggesting she might be setting herself up for failure. I (alone watching this taped video) was cheering Oprah for stepping in and recognizing Kirstie's "diet" mentality perhaps being detrimental to her success. Sadly, at no time did Oprah or Kirstie acknowledge abstinence from their drug(s): sugar, flour, and wheat. It reminds me of the addict who promises they will never take another hit, snort, or shoot up again, but without admission to the addictive components, rather only looking from a "will power" frame of mind. I was hearing diet and addiction mentality.

Michael Hebranko was different than Kirstie in that he was not a movie star bearing the glitz and twinkle. He reminded me of one of the first patients I saw in my early days of practice. He was wearing close to 1,000 pounds of weight like Michael. I made weekly house calls (back in the 90's when I was new in my profession) and conducted psychotherapy. He was a delight to work with. He understood sugar, flour, and wheat were drugs to him and agreed to abstain. He understood developing a spiritual connection to something greater than himself was the key. Like Michael, he dropped hundreds of pounds. When he was at a safe place weight-wise we agreed he would drive in for therapy. Instead, he began to binge. Again, like Michael, he put his weight back on. Unlike Michael my patient passed away. He was only 27 years old. Addictions are stronger and bigger than our will to stop using.

Michael, unlike Kirstie, was aware he needed to take one day at a time and practice recovery. He was no longer reaching for the "quick" fix. He was humble and focused. He seemed to have an understanding that certain foods were triggers for him, but I did not hear words of abstinence from these foods, particularly flour. He also recognized a higher power (he called God) as he kept referring to God in the interview and how thankful and grateful he was for this second opportunity to correct his weight. He released 300 pounds. Although he had several hundreds of pounds to go, he was focused on the here and now, working his program one meal at a time with progress not perfection. I think he will make it!

Although I personally never weighed more than one hundred pounds above my ideal weight, I can relate to both Kirstie Alley and Michael Hebranko. When I was in the food I promised I would stop. I too vowed to lose the weight and never binge again. I meant it! After I would drop some weight and start looking good I would fall into a binge. It was not until I realized I had to let go of the addictive foods in order to be free of the obsessions and cravings. It was not a question of will power but rather of letting go of an addiction to specific foods. As simple as it sounds it worked. My weight corrected and I am free of cravings. Many patients I work with also are free from cravings and have returned to their normal weight. I wish I could say they all followed my path, but truth be told, many are on the same ride as Kirstie Alley and Michael Hebranko, gaining weight they lost.

Statistics show about 5% of people keep off the weight they have lost for more than a year. And, those that have the weight off for more than 5 years have a better chance of staying thin. Thank you God I fall into this category! I believe Kirstie is setting herself up for failure vowing once again to wear a bikini in November and rushing to lose her weight. This is diet mentality. I did not hear the same diet talk from Michael. I heard a clear understanding it was a process that would take time. He seemed to understand eating balanced meals and taking one day at a time was the ticket to his recovery. Although I did not hear specific talk about spiritual recovery, Michael echoed some thoughts regarding God. Kirstie did not mention any spiritual understanding. Perhaps this could be part of her missing link. It is not about the food, nor is it about the weight. It is about having an addiction to food. It is about turning to a physical, emotional, and spiritual recovery.

So, as I finished watching Oprah’s interview with two very familiar stories it allowed me to reflect where I had been and where I am today. Their story is my story; however, I am on the flip side of it and live life free of weight, worry, and diet mentality. No more deer in the headlights. The answer is eating free of sugar, flour, and wheat and turning it over to a power greater than our own. This power can be whatever is fitting for each person. It could be God, energy, the sun, et cetera...



Photos taken by: Dr. Lisa Ortigara Crego

Sitting on the Dock: Pelican and Me

I am sitting on the dock with a mug of tea watching this very pelican and wondering if he(she?) was thinking about anything in particular. He looked so comfortable, like he didn't have a care in the world. As for me, I was close to comfortable, sitting with my hot tea on the very same dock I have sat on a million times for the past 40 years. Tons of memories flooded in. Like the time when I was on the edge of becoming a teenager and I helped my grand parents move into this very beach house.

I remember the first time my feet touched Florida soil and I knew I was home. I had no doubt this was where I belonged. It took many visits until I actually made the move and left my entire family in Chicago, as I was Florida bound. I was in my late 20's. Back in my formative years, I sat on this very dock in my bikini trying to tan and feeling fat. I was 115 pounds! I was already obsessed with sugary foods and dieting. I was already sneaking into my grandmothers chocolate coconut patties, mango marmalade, and whatever old candy bars I could find in the fridge that my grandfather had. I remember eating a candy that was on its way to turning into rubber. This did not matter...it was chocolate and it was sweet...and it made me "feel" better when I ate it.

I had no idea I was entering into binge eating disorder, an eating disorder that is still up for discussion in the DSM-IV-TR (the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 4th ed.). I also did not know I had food addiction, which is why when I put the sugar and chocolate into my mouth I instantly felt better; at least for a moment. The question that often arises from my patients is whether food addiction and binge eating are the same thing? I too asked the very question over and over.

What is food addiction? Food addiction involves engaging repeatedly in episodes of binge eating regardless of adverse consequences, while in aggressive pursuit of a mood change. Hmmm...sounds to me like they are intertwined to some degree. What is this aggressive eating? Well, it is the compulsion, an irresistible impulse, to eat a specific food(s), especially in an irrational state or contrary to one's will. The urge is about ingesting this food no matter what.

What is binge eating? Binge eating is eating a large amount of food in a small period of time regardless of the consequences. In my experience as a certified eating disorder specialist and as a recovering food addict, binge eating and food addiction go hand in hand.The Compulsion is always present in the disease of addiction, whether it is cocaine, vodka, or a chocolate bar. My research has led me to know the food addict has a metabolic, biochemical imbalance, which results in the characteristic symptoms of addiction. The foodaholic is obsessed with food (usually sugary, high fat, starchy foods) ingesting large quantities of these foods to destructive and/or negative consequences physically, emotionally, mentally, and relationally.

Given the definition of binge eating and food addiction, it is apparent they are intertwined in most cases. Could a person binge eat and not be a food addict? There are many eating disorder specialists that would agree one can be a binge eater without having a food addiction; however, an acctive food addict always binge eats. I am a food addict and I binged. Yes, binged...past tense. I am still a food addict but I choose to live life in recovery rather than in the disease. There is a price for my sanity: not eating sugar, flour, and wheat. It is a small price, given I have no cravings or irresistible urge to eat sugar, flour, and wheat. It is a small price to pay when my body is a "normal" weight and I am not going on and off of diets? It is a small price to pay when the insanity and chatter in my mind is completely silent, peaceful, and full of serenity.

So, as I am sitting on the dock, watching this pelican while sipping on my mug of tea, I think I figured out what my new feathery friend is thinking about. He has been watching the water intensely and as soon as he saw the little fish in plain view he made a beeline towards it and scarfed it up. He was waiting for food...but not the way I used to sit on this dock thinking about food 40 years ago. I was thinking about sneaking into the fridge and the pantry to steal the foods and then figure out where to hide it so I could eat it fast and furiously...and alone. My new buddy (the pelican) was looking for food as fuel...nothing more...nothing less. He was eating for survival. So...I sit here, comfortable and at peace for I truly have not a care in the world. Life is good!

Photo taken by Dr. Lisa Ortigara Crego